Sanity

Chapter Six

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I woke up in a sweat as per usual. Nothing is new or out of the extraordinary. I checked the cream clock beside my bed and it read five past three in the morning. Well I have gotten more sleep than I normally would and that's something. The nightmares haunt me every night without fail, I never bother really telling people about them, as that's just another reason for them to think I have lost all sanity, even the small bit I had left. Support group was today, can't say I look forward to it, my problems are my problems, you just have to learn to deal with them. I tried so hard to go back asleep, until my eyes finally shut and my brain gave way.

I woke to the sound of my alarm going off. I quickly sat up and switched it off. I should be at home in my bed. I lay back down and tried to relax. I really didn't want to leave my bed, it's where I belong, I am at peace but that peace didn't last for long, as Mary unlocks my door and notifies me that it is breakfast time. I slowly get up out of bed and make my way down stairs, there are different rooms to eat in, depending on how easy you are to feed and how hard it is for you to eat. I grew up, constantly thinking I was never good enough, constantly wondering when I was going to become decent looking. I grew up thinking I was the ugly duckling, I didn't have a fit body, I had a pouch of fat in my stomach, that simply would not shed, my breasts were too big, according to my mother they would attract unruly attention from men, not boys, men. I made my way down without any confrontation or misunderstandings. I really didn't want food, I just wanted to go back to bed and sleep, but no I can't do that and that pisses me off. What happened a free world?One in which everyone can voice their opinion! I took a seat at the large table and they placed breakfast in front of me. I honestly wanted to vomit and as soon as I took the first spoonful of my cereal, the voice came. "Don't eat it you fat bitch, think of the unknown calories and the horrible fat you tried desperately to get rid of." I tried to eat as fast as I could without getting sick. I felt like my life flashed in front of me. I can't handle eating, it's one of the main reason for my depression and most of the time breakfast doesn't go very well, it usually results in me having an anxiety attack and being force fed. After breakfast we have a snack which is usually chocolate brownies and today I just couldn't bring myself to eat them but I knew if I didn't it would result in being force fed and I didn't really have much fight in me. I am tired, tired of living, tired of fighting, tired of just being me. Eventually I will get discharged whether it be because they thought I was better or because I died, I will get out of here and it will most likely be the last thing I do. I can't help these thoughts that engulf my every day life. I don't want to think like this but I have no reason not to think like this. All my life I grew up to think I was fat and worthless. People never told me otherwise but then again people never physically told me I was worthless or fat either, I just never got a chance at life, I didn't do well in school, my life revolved around sleeping, wanting to be someone else, starving myself and not interacting with people. Studying just didn't fit into my agenda and that says something. I used to think that grades where everything and test results had to be perfect until there came a time where I thought why the should I care, when I am not skinny or pretty and I don't have a purpose. Everything I used to do felt like there was no meaning to it, there was no point in doing anything. I don't remember much about the happy times of my life, I'd like to say I've had many, that I haven't exactly always been like this, so repulsive, so negative, it was obviously not as strong as it it now, but even when I was little I questioned everything about myself, And I thought that was the normal thing kids do, but no they don't criticise themselves, they learn to love themselves. My mother told me that was called being vain. She told me you don't make yourself feel superior, you are inferior. A minute on the lips forever in the hips, was her favourite saying. It sticks with me to this day. No one realised that my mother was the one who prompted my eating disorder, it wasn't always me. Christian girls were suppose to be tall, thin and beautiful, naturally beautiful, on the outside, never mind the inside. I was none of them, I was a mere 5'0 ft and was far from thin and beautiful, so far it was foreign to me. I mastered makeup from the mere age of twelve, that was also another addiction caused by my mother. I decided it was time to get up from the table and prepare myself for support group.

I quickly ran up the stairs and into my room hopping the might burn the calories that I have in taken.

I decided that I need to take a shower so I went and got my clothes for today. Which were basically like everyone else's plain clothes which consisted of cotton shorts to make sure you haven't cut and a vest top to also make sure you haven't cut. This had to be worn for support group because before you go in you get checked and weighted. A cold shower is what I really needed so I took one and burnt some more calories not much but some at least. I got dressed, brushed my teeth and then exited the bathroom. My door doesn't get locked until night time today because I have support group.

Ten minutes and I am in a room full of people confessing there problems, telling the world, thinking it will help. It won't, it never does. I remained silent thought the session and was brought back to my room a mere few minutes into it, for simply shaking my head, refusing to participate at all, refusing to share my problems.

I am actually so sorry for not updating but I have been like so busy and stressed and I keep getting really bad anxiety and I can't deal with it😭 It is really just a filler chapter and the main chapter that kinda kicks off the story is yet to come 😁 😁💕