Scandalous Love

35. | James

"Riley," I breathe out. 

I close the diary shut and stand up, beginning to approach her but she shakes her head and takes a step back. 

She was shaken up. I don't think I had ever seen her this bad. Sure, I had seen her worried and anxious but this time around she was shaking, quivering. She was doing exactly what she had described herself to have been doing when Ezra touched her. 

I didn't want her to feel that way because of me and I approach her all the more but with every step I take forwards, she takes another one back. She backs away until her spine was pressed against the wall of her room and she breathes in and out, trying to steady her breathing rate.

"You shouldn't do that, James," she exhales. Her words were staggered. There were tears in her eyes. Her cheeks were red but not because she was blushing. "It's a diary. It's private. You can't just go around reading such things without permission," she tells me. 

"I didn't mean to." 

I shake my head, realising how much of a mistake I had just made but at the same time, I couldn't shake away the thought of Ezra and what he had done to her. It was stained in my mind but I hadn't even been the one to see it happen. All I did was read a couple of words I thought would be innocent. 

"How much did you read?" she whispers. 

She hadn't softened. She was scared. Worried. She didn't want to look me in the eye because if she did, she would break. I'd seen this all before with Piper.

I look down at the sound of her question and she immediately crumbles, catching onto it.

"You read all of it, didn't you?" She chokes but I didn't need to respond because we both already knew the answer. "You read the last one too?" 

I look back up at her and the moment we make eye-contact, she shakes her head at me in disappointment. 

"Don't come finding me. I want to be alone," she mumbles before turning around and running away in her dress, mascara running down her cheeks but for the very first time, I couldn't help in any way. I had fucked up and I couldn't just go back in time and stop myself form reading it. 

I invaded her privacy, her thoughts, her feelings. I read deeper into her heart than I had intended and now I've more than just fallen in love with her. I've fallen through her and I'm stuck inside her heart. With no way out. 

I back myself up until I reach her bed and I collapse onto it with a feeling of emptiness. 

I'd been waiting up here only a brief couple minutes ago, hoping that when she eventually got back up here I would be able to swarm her with cuddles and kisses. But instead this has happened and I don't know how to fix it. 

They say time is the best medicine but I don't think any amount of time will be able to heal this. I just unopened a scar she had hidden away and now it's going to sting for some time. No amount of kisses will put an end to the pain filling her heart and now I'm about to be part of the cause for that pain. 

The door creaks open but I didn't care to look at who it was. It could have been Riley's dad for all I care. I'd done enough damage as it is. I'd be able to understand if Riley didn't ever want to see me again. 

There's a trail of footsteps as they pace towards me and shut the door behind them. They wanted confidentiality, but why? 

Their footsteps were light and not heavy. Their feet barely touched the floor, like the soles of a ballerina. 

I allow myself to look up and I see Daniel. He didn't look impressed. He must have just seen Riley run out of here without her saying a word. 

He takes one look at the diary which lay by my side and as soon as he sees it, I watch his fists clench together tightly. He takes one look back at me and before I could dodge him, his fist comes in contact with my face - my mouth in particular. He didn't look very muscular but the muscle he held inside him was definitely occupied by a few strong bones. 

I bring my hand up to my lip and remove it to find a tinge of crimson blood painted over my fingertip. I deserved that. 

"You don't have to say anything," he states. "You and I both already know what happened." He pauses for a moment and then sighs. "What were you thinking, James?" 

He doesn't wait for an answer because it was a rhetorical question. "I thought you loved her?" 

"I do," I cut in. Not loving her wasn't something I was about to let myself get accused of. "I do love her, okay?" I say, a lot more subtly this time.

"If you love her, you wouldn't have read her diary. Not even I have read it because I'm aware of that a person's diary is private, no matter how close you are to them. Even if you did start reading it, why didn't you stop when you realised what was in it?" 

"Because I wanted to know what that guy did to her," I grunt, looking up at him but I calm myself down when I take in the look on his face. He could understand me. He was just as protective over Riley as I was. Ri might be the one thing he and I actually have in common. 

"How do I fix this?" I mumble, looking down at my lap. 

Daniel looks around the room before leaning against the wall, crossing his arms over his chest. "You've just opened up a huge part of Riley's life she had kept locked away for the past two years now," he tells me, like I hadn't already gathered that. "She's going to distance herself for a bit and it's going to get ugly. But the best thing you can do is give her that time and space but still be there for her from a distance." 

I nod my head, listening to him because the one thing I really didn't want to do was allow myself to lose her. If I lose her, I'm going to have to lose myself too. I can't do this without her. I need her just as much as she needs me. 

"I think for tonight, you need to leave," he says to me, making me slowly nod my head because I knew he was right. I couldn't be here. I couldn't linger around, waiting for Riley to open up to me. 

She needs time and space and that's what I was ready to give her if it would help.

"She just needs to process," he calls out to me as I reach the window. "But I know she loves you and that feeling's not going to change now."