Hellish

11. secrets.

H A K A N

It'd been almost two weeks since our date and to say things were going good was an understatement. I hadn't asked her to be my girlfriend yet because I wanted to take things slow. My paranoia wouldn't let me move any faster. It was important to make sure I'd fully felt her out. I'd had my fair share of lust filled relationships and false pretense, amongst other things. I needed to make sure I was doing this right. She was everything I'd been looking for so far, but then again, so were the others, until they weren't.

She also had secrets and I knew they were hard for her to bear. I also knew it was a matter of time before she was comfortable enough to spill them and I believed in pure transparency, minus my transgressions. Regardless, I wanted her to be the one because if she wasn't, well...I really wouldn't want to have to kill her so soon over my own impulses.

"Bro, did you hear what I said?"

I lifted my head from off of the table, "hm?"

"Steady daydreaming," Kian said with a mouth full of ramen. "I asked if y'all are coming with me and Alexis to this frat party this weekend."

"Well since Des goes by default, I'm sure I'll end up going too."

The corners of Kian's mouth almost reached his eyes. Him and Alexis were living it up. Partying, going to concerts and whatnot. Des and I were more on the reserved side for obvious reasons. I didn't have much in common with people and by default, was socially awkward, so I never really saw a point in going out. "About time the two of you step out of your romantic bubble. It's the end of October and you guys have been to like what? One party."

"This is peer pressure." I rolled my eyes, moving my food around on the plate.

"Not hungry?" Kian continued to stuff his face.

"Not really," I put my fork down. "Can I ask you something?"

"All ears."

"Does your medication really work for you?"

"I guess," he swallowed his food. "I mean it works when I take it the way I'm supposed to. And since dealing with Alexis, I kinda have to."

"How did you tell Alexis you were bipolar?"

"I didn't," he swallowed his food. "She found my medication in the bathroom mirror and confronted me about it."

"How did she take it?" I sipped my coconut water.

"Well, she's still here so, good I guess. Why do you ask?" He finished up the rest of his food. "Thinking of telling Videsta?"

"My situation is a bit more complicated than yours."

"Killing being the complicated part?" he whispered.

I took a mouthful of my food in an attempt to ignore his question. I didn't really know what it was; whether it was the fact that I had killed people, women and the fact that I enjoyed it or whether it was what would happen once I told her. If I chose to. Would she be afraid of me? Disgusted? Ashamed? I mean as humans we all have our vices, but mine was obviously illegal more than it was unacceptable. Not only that, but I couldn't afford to trust her with such a huge secret only for her to try to go to the police, because then I'd really have to kill her.

The voice in the back of my mind whispered sweet nothings to me. Sweet nothings like, telling her would be a sure fire way of knowing if she's the one. Or, the sooner we tell her, the sooner we'll know she's our soulmate. And the unnerving part of all of it all was that no matter how happy she made me or if she accepted me, the urge to kill someone would always linger within me. I'm pretty certain it was a basic instinct at this point. And what they don't tell you about basic instinct is that even if you don't want to do it, you want to do it.