Hellish

13. "you didn't see anything...did you?"

H A K A N

It was midnight and I was stuck having a smoke in the dorm room next to a snoring Kian. I could think of a thousand places I'd rather be; one of them being next to my girlfriend, but she's unfortunately in Russia with her piece-of-shit father. One of the terms of her being out here was that she makes occasional trips out there. She never fails to confide in me about how much she dreads the visits...but that was all she confides in me about. I often wondered what the visits were for. I mean, the only thing that made sense was family, but then again we hadn't gotten into or really talked about her family. There were still a lot of holes in both of our lives clearly, they just haven't gotten in the way of us what we having going on between us.

"Does the chimney have an off-switch?" Kian mumbled into the pillow.

I shook my head.

"Are you shaking your head?"

I blew the smoke out, ignoring him.

"You're such an ass," he sat up in his bed and fixed his ponytail. "What are you doing awake?"

"What are you doing awake?" I countered. My cigarette reaching its wits end.

"Who knows," his sarcasm obvious.

I held out my pack with one cigarette sticking out at him. My way of apologizing, and he took it. "When does Videsta come back?"

I shrugged, putting my hands behind my head looking up at the ceiling. "Hopefully soon though."

"Yeah because you're a lovesick motherfucker," he laughed.

"Sure, because only I am."

The room went silent for a while and this sudden urge to rip someone's larynx out of their neck washes over me. It'd been there for a while now and it'd been a while since I've indulged. The feeling came and went and was admittedly another reason I couldn't sleep. The straight and narrow was never a thing for me, but I do think I've been putting on the show of my life...although it was getting really hard. Sometimes I think she notices something is up, but she has enough respect for my boundaries that she doesn't pry. Sometimes I wish she would...

Alexis and Kian's relationship made my head hurt. She's sickeningly understanding of his mental issues and I couldn't help the envy I felt. Couldn't help but want that for myself too. Truthfully if I would just come out and say it I know I'd get my answer faster, but I just can't. Up until now I'd never been worried about a relationship not working out or anyone's opinion, but she's obviously not just anybody. I'd been circling around the idea for what felt like forever.

"The wheels in your head churn often these days," Kian finally said.

"It's not something I can help."

"It could be if you'd just tell her," he read my mind the way he annoyingly always does. "We've had this discussion so many times and I really don't know what's stopping you. With as many risks as you take, this should be a cake-walk."

"Why do you assume it's so easy?" I looked at him.

"Love. When it's real," he exhaled a cloud of minty smoke, "you can't help but accept that person and all of their flaws."

"And how would I even know it's real?" I asked. "I've thought it was multiple times and have had to dispose of each one for thinking I know better than fate."

"You're questioning whether or not you should tell her, right?"

I shook my head in agreement.

"When's the last time?" He asked.