The Love We Make 2: It's 1992 and the world is bewildered by recent headlines.
"His Royal Badness Prince is now MARRIED with a SON, and the boy is already 3 YEARS OLD! Was he really hiding the kid this whole time? Or is this sudden marriage hid...
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Sunday/December 20, 1992
Fatherhood. I still don't know what I'm doing here sometimes. Feels like I'm lost in the dark, like fear has hands squeezing at my throat. I've never cried this much in my life...
And crying makes me feel weak. That's why I won't let anyone see it. If I'm having an off day, I just give them hell. I can't even be vulnerable with Raven anymore. I just scream at everyone and go off to my dark corner and cry it out. But then my son takes my hand and his smile shines through everything. It brings light back to my world and I'm grounded again.
So I can't be terrible at it, right? Being a father? My son is happy. He never sees the trace of my tears. Or the bruises on my neck. He just sees his dad.
I wonder if my dad ever cried like this when no one was looking. I guess only you would know.
After closing the notebook, I tossed it towards the nightstand. I meant to have it land there but I gave it too much force. The book flew across the floor.
Not caring, I turned on my side in the bed and took a deep sigh as I closed my eyes for the night. No one would be around to pick up the marble book and see my letters to God anyway.
This was my third consecutive night in Paisley Park. I was hiding from my girlfriend. Well not hiding. Paisley Park would be a terrible place for me to "hide". I was avoiding her because last Thursday, right after the best high of performing with her on stage for the first time, she told me she wanted to "talk about something important". Maybe I was overanalyzing it. But I've been thrown off since.
Literally, a high. Rehearsals were rough. But once the cameras were on and the lights were burning down on us, it was the best feeling ever to be up there with my favorite dancer. And she did it so well. She performs so well. Because as soon as we were alone, she took back her allure and was trying to "talk". We hadn't even left the building.
I made myself busy. I thought she was trying to leave me. And though my music was second to Janet Jackson's, and Flyte Tyme Studios was her new favorite hangout, and we could only get past each other's surface when we were fucking... I was still in love with Raven Rosario.
