TLWM: The Hate Experience

Interlude II

3/1/93

Bae,

Don't get used to this, okay? I don't even know what to write. Thank you for last night? That sounds so cliché for something so NOT. I pray that was all for me, that you never put it down like that before. I'm going to say it again: I want more and will always want more. Know that your girlfriend is greedy.

But please understand me when I say I don't give second chances. I don't care how many years we got in, how many kids we have running around the house. Don't play with my heart. Because I will walk away. Not quietly. But I'll walk.

You know what? I kept imagining you and I would be those two friends who loved to flirt and fool around every once in a while. Those two friends who were so comfortable ignoring the fact that they'd never love anyone else as much as they loved each other, and who would eventually drift apart and settle for less with another, and be kind of okay with it. That's what I wanted for us. And it's not you, it's me. It was out of fear that I'll hurt you. I was afraid one day I'd get overwhelmed in your world and want out, that one day I would give up and leave.

I'm still scared. The thought of dating a public figure gives me anxiety. But after last night, I don't feel like walking away is an option, because the irony is, you take away my anxiety. I've never felt like this with anyone before. My heart is racing right now as my brain highlights the most beautiful parts of you. You are truly a blessing and I'm so happy to have you all to myself. Thank you for being patient and thank you for being persistent and for trusting and allowing me to grow into a role that's more than just your son's teacher. And I know you're freaking a little about leaving him here with his grandmother but I promise not a day will go by where I don't see him. I'll make sure he's good so don't stress about it. I'll always protect him as if he was ours.

If you haven't already, look in the gift bag.

I hope you love. You probably have hundreds of guitar picks already but I wanted you to have a piece of your heart with you on the stage. And the doll is self-explanatory. I'm still down. Just say the word. And the books, there's 60 of them total but really 30 duplicated. I bought two each so you can keep a copy at home in Ace's room and travel with the others. This way you can read to him over the phone sometimes and you won't have a repeat of Christmas night.

I can't believe you're leaving in 4 days. It's insane how much I missed you when you went to L.A. You weren't even gone for long but when you weren't calling me, I was highly bothered. Please don't do that again. Just check in, even if it's for a minute to let me know you're okay. I worry a lot. 

You want to hear a corny story? Last summer in August I was at the county fair and there was this older woman under a tent giving $5 readings. She had incense and feathers and a crystal ball, the works. I'm not into stuff like this but she looked lonely so my cousin dragged us in and dropped a $10 bill in her jar. And though I was rolling my eyes, the lady told me to sit and did me first. "Ask me anything," she said. So, I said the first thing that came to me. "Where is my husband?" And after she looked in her pretty ball, she looked back at me with this smirk and said, "Mm. You don't have a husband."

So, playing along, because my ring finger was obviously bare, I asked if I'd ever get married. And again, I don't even think this is how it works, but she just looked in her ball, doing those dramatic hand movements you'd see them do in a comedy skit and she said, "Yes." And this is where it started to get a little freaky because she continued with, "I know you're worried about your 30th birthday but you will have a family before then." And that really has always been a worry of mine. I've always hoped to have my first baby at 30 but here I was, 27 and single. In my head I was asking, "How does she know that?" But denial was still there, so I'm thinking either my cousin set it all up or this woman is just throwing fortunes out there and what sticks, sticks.

I didn't have anything else to say to her, so I stood to let my cousin take a seat but the woman looked up at me and said, "Your soulmate will soon find you." And yes, not husband, she said soulmate like she was looking for a $20 tip. She told me something along the lines of, "You've already seen him before but you will only recognize him when you see him in the flesh, and he'll recognize you too but when he first sees you, he'll be confused by his feelings because it's something he felt before with someone else, someone who mirrors his soul." Apparently, we can all have more than one soulmate but only one other half to our soul and this mystery man has already found that. But because the two people are so alike, they're not very compatible and usually end in disaster. I think that's how she put it.

My cousin was so into this, asking a million questions and I still wouldn't react. But by the end of it, the lady kind of got me though, because afterwards, every time I ran into a cute guy, I was questioning my feelings, dissecting the encounter in my head. I kept asking myself, "Oh my God, is this him?" I felt like a lunatic.

Then came October 1st. When I saw you that day at the school, it hit me again but it wasn't so much curiosity that time. There were no ping pong of questions rattling my brain. It was more like "Oh. This is it." But then you opened your filthy mouth and reality set in. "This is Prince. This is not your soulmate. Soulmates don't exist. And if they did, they wouldn't belittle you at first sight." After that, it stopped, the weird spell the county fair psychic put on me. But had she not used the word "soulmate", I would think she was legit.

And no offense to you, because I get the sense from your music that you do believe in such things. I'm pretty sure you at some point viewed Raven as such, possibly you still do. I think she does just as much after that album you wrote for her last year and this whole fantasy you're selling for the tour. In my opinion that you didn't ask for but are about to get, it sounds silly. I would never want a man chasing me because of some funny feeling he gets when he sees me. I want to be chosen, not someone's default. I want you to wake up every morning and choose me all over again.

I was never in a rush to give into your advances because I thought getting with you would be a waste of time. I had no doubt that you would be good to me in the beginning but I was worried when we hit our first roadblock, you'd go running backwards because of that silly funny feeling you once had for your ex. You did it before. She popped up on your phone line after years of silence and like that, she was yours again until she said she wasn't.

But honestly, I'm not worried about her anymore. I won't explain why but after last night, I'm just not.

I don't know how much time we'll have together but I know right now, you're what I need in my life. My heart is dizzy because everything is happening so fast but at the same time, I know you're supposed to be here. Just wish I would've known our meeting in the bedroom would be so pivotal because I would've waited until after your tour. Hopefully we make it that far. If we don't, I'd have no regrets. You could call me next week and say "ha ha it was all a joke". I'd still thank you for making me think you were a product of my prayers, and for being the best I ever had. Besides, the pieces of you that you've given me are mine to keep.

I have to sneak away for a little because my brother needs me. So, in conclusion, yes, I am nauseously in love with you. 

I'll be back tonight so we can watch The Bodyguard. Beep me when you read this.

♥️Lette

p.s. don't be mad but we might've made a baby