TLWM: The Hate Experience

\XVII/ The Long Night

Christmas Day '92

Chanhassen, MN

Getting dumped was usually either a sigh of relief or an eyeroll. I can count on one hand the times where it actually hurt. But can I put this on a new finger when it's the same girl who broke me before?

Raven got you twice.

This wasn't the reaction I was expecting. Sitting in my house by myself, in bed buried under the covers as if my windows weren't already blacked out. I thought after Raven pulled the plug I'd run to Paisley Park and stuff my beat-up heart in a song. But just the sound of my phone ringing this morning was a knife to my ear. Ace was calling to wake me and scream Merry Christmas. I could barely hold a conversation with him.

I'd love to say this was unrelated, but seems like all the bullshit just caught up with me. And I wasn't "sad", just mad as hell and physically ill. In the middle of my call, I had to cut Bam off and run to the bathroom. I was dizzy again and could only make it to the sink. There, I vomited until my insides burned.

After I hung up with my happy child, I wanted to unplug my phone but I couldn't find the energy to—or the wits. Out of my mind, I took some Tylenol and fell back asleep. Wasn't long though before I was leaning over my bed and hurling up the water and pills.

Around mid-day, someone came into my room. "Sir?" It was Edna's voice.

When Raven let her go as the nanny after that school incident, Edna came to me to say, "Well it seems I'll be going back to my duties before Raven arrived then, yes?" And I didn't deny her the right to. She had been taking care of my house since '88. That day I met her in my living room, first thing she did for me was take down all of the Christmas trees and shit Raven left behind. I had to accept that she wasn't coming back. It was July.

"Have you been under there all day?" Edna tried removing my covers and I quickly stole them back. "Dylan said you weren't feeling well. But you should eat," she kept saying walking around my room. "You need to eat. I'm going to call up the doctor."

"No," I said from my dark place. "Just go and close the door on your way out."

"Pardon me?"

"Please."

She was mumbling and shuffling her feet.

"Edna?" I don't know what she was doing but it wasn't leaving.

Minutes later I fell asleep. And at some point, a running faucet over soft voices pulled me out of a dream. But I didn't peek. I just went back to dreaming, dreaming about blue angels that didn't exist.

My body jerked awake. Someone was calling the house again.

Pushing my hand out to cold, open air, I couldn't find the phone. I tossed the covers off my head and the room was pitch black but the cordless phone's buttons were green and glowing. It was on the floor.

On my stomach reaching, I grabbed the phone, pressed TALK and let it lean on my ear. My hello came out groggy.

"Daddy!"

"Bam, please don't yell," I said pressing side buttons to lower the volume. The music and laughs in his background were loud enough. Sounded like the Rosarios were having themselves a jolly ol' time.

"Mommy wants to tell you something!" And he obviously didn't hear me. "Okay, hold on, Pop-Pops! Mommy?!"

Lying back on my pillow, I didn't put the phone back to my ear until I heard Raven.