Into the Chaos

Chapter Eighty-Two

Commune: You contact your deity or a divine proxy and ask up to three questions that can be answered with a yes or no. You must ask your questions before the spell ends. You receive a correct answer for each question.
Divine beings aren't necessarily omniscient, so you might receive "unclear" as an answer if a question pertains to information that lies beyond the deity's knowledge. In a case where a one-word answer could be misleading or contrary to the deity's interests, a short phrase can be offered as an answer instead.

*Not proof read*

It's been a while
I'm not really sure when the next chapter will be and I have to decide where exactly I want this to go. I don't see too many fics with decent or jaws of hakkon, so I was considering that but I have also been outrageously busy

_______________________

It's odd, both staring at and through fire.

It dims suddenly as I hear, "you called?"

I turn my head to look at Him out of the corner of my eye, "I believe I'm asking questions right now. That is the nature of this Commune."

"Indeed. Ask away, dear."

I look back to the fire, "why didn't you let us die?"

There are aborted attempts at speaking before, "It is not often I'm surprised and I want to let you know that this question is utterly ridiculous. Why wouldn't I want to save you? You have given me life in an eternity of ennui. It was a selfish action, I admit it. I do care and to be honest? Terra was a shit show after the industrial revolution. Well, it was really when the Romans took over and started to degrade my society but that was a long time ago."

His answer is unsurprising, if a little disappointing. "It was. Did you know we had more magical talents?"

He sighs softly and I hear Him sit, a purposeful noise, I'm sure. "I had suspicions. The birth of a deity brought magic to Terra. Here it is not so. There had not been a new god in eons so that magic was used up. There was no surety in my decision making in that regard."

"Anubis-" I cut myself off before I can ask the question that barely formulated in the back of my mind. Stop. I press the knuckle of my thumb to the inner side of my eyebrow and shake my head. Think about something else.

"Ask."

I shake my head. "It's stupid. I know the answer already."

"I don't mind."

"I know, it's just-" I inhale and bite some skin off of my bottom lip. Fine. "Am I real?" My voice sounds fragile, I think.

There is next to no sound as His arm wraps around my shoulders. The other hand covers my eyes, "am I real?"

"You feel and sound real."

"If you can see and hear and feel me, and recognize that as real, then you must also be so."

"Thedas was a work of fiction that people put a lot of work into. How does that fictional creation become real?"

"Because it already existed. Because it was never just a work of fiction. Are you saying that the room you're in, is just a bunch of 1s and 0s? You can't fall through the floor, the fire is hot, the snow smells faintly like metal. If I am real to you, and you are real to me, are you yourself not also real?"

~~

It's mind numbing, writing letters to people. There was news from the Wardens from Weishaupt. Alastair had written about what he'd done with Crestwoods old mayor. Other things that I did write responses to, though I felt it was worthless to do so.

I must have really been into these letters because I didn't notice Solas was awake until he put a hand on my shoulder to look at what I'm doing. "I thought you weren't going to work?"

" I just started. " I set down the letter and lean my head back into his stomach.

"There's a lot of papers here."

" I read fast."

"Is that all, fenorain?"

" Rough night. I got to have a slight existential crisis, is all. It was encouraged so I went and thought about it. Did you see Decius?"

He slides his hands into my hair and starts scratching my head. "I did. He thinks his trip went well and mentioned something about Cremisius."

"Yes, Krem is unsafely binding and we would like to give him something moderately better than medical bandages. I think there's supposed to be a wicked grace game pretty soon. As soon as I deal with the Qunari who want to kill Bull. "

"No. Working."

" Then what would you have me do?"

"Come eat with me. You are bound to need more food than you currently eat, considering you never sleep."

" That is not how it works. My need to sleep is simply replaced, there is no difference in biological functions. A mind and body could not handle that."

"I am aware. Come eat, please. Then, you should inform Leliana and Cullen what happened on your trip. And then would you join me in the library?"

While my head doesn't hurt, there is a pressure that is typically indicative of a headache. Great. Haven't had one of those in a while. "I will stay so long as it's quiet."

~~

The day does seem to drag as I lounge in what is ultimately Solas's office, if you really think about it. The headache doesn't worsen or lessen as I spend the day just thinking about things. Which is an experience. And an activity I don't usually participate in.

Both Decius and I find it easier to 'see' each other as he nears the castle. An interesting choice of words we agreed to use, and, in turn, decided to attempt to find something more fitting later. It could be handy, should we figure something out.

When Solas leaves for a moment, I guiltily make my escape, where I run into Krem with his various measurements and then into Varric while snagging a few apples from the kitchen, who then invites me to their Wicked Grace game. I have no idea how to play wicked grace. I don't cheat, either. It is much more Decius's game than mine.

I don't go back to work but sitting around and being forced to do nothing has never really worked for me.

You know what I do instead? Walk around the battlements until I hit the still-ruined part that is intersected by the hall, cross said crumbling wall, and then slide down the inside of the wall, land on the flat roof of the (probable) kitchens, and sit there. Doing nothing. Where no one can bother me.

And contemplate upon an existential crisis.

Funny how that works, isn't it?