Into the Chaos

chapter thirty-two

I find myself in Skyholds inquisitorial chambers. On the balcony that looks out towards the mountain.

"Herald, let us speak." A voice says, seemingly from nowhere and everywhere.

"Who is that?" I say, glancing about.

Solas appears next to me. "I would have thought you'd recognize one of your friends."

"Oh. I get it now. I'm sleeping."

"Yes. I don't know how he managed it. You never seem to sleep."

"Don't need it. Did I tell you the particulars of my magic?"

"No. In fact you told me nothing of it. Only that your circumstances with your mentor were unusual."

"That is true. He is unusual. Even when talking about the type of people his family are. His mentorship—his patronism, allows for me to have unique abilities. Speaking directly to one's mind and not having a need for sleep are examples."

He smiles. "I don't suppose you'll tell me anything more?"

"Not today. Not here."

"There is one other matter I wished to discuss."

"I'm sure there is."

"After the events of the last few weeks, I figure now is a good a time as any."

"Are you planning on getting to your point?"

"Herald, Thalia, what do you think of me?"

I frown and concentrate for a moment. "If this is you trying to express an interest in me, a romantic interest, you're going to be disappointed if you want something similar reciprocated."

"And what if it is?"

I sigh, "I had partially hoped our assumptions were wrong."

"Is this a problem?"

"No. You need to understand that I cannot reciprocate your feelings. Physically. Mentally. Whatever. Can't do it. Not how you'd like. It's not how I work. If you remember, you did spy on me when I talked to Bull about it months ago. And the song I sung a few days ago"

"I do remember. I have taken it into consideration."

"The last person who said that, well, it didn't end so well for me."

Solas tilts his head in question.

"Some other time. That of course refers to sexual and romantic attraction. It's not something I can help. Nothing that can be changed."

"And I assure you—"

"Look, I do enjoy your company. I admire you, respect you. You need to know that might be all the further emotions I will feel for you."

"—it won't be a problem."

"And I need to be sure you won't leave. You won't suddenly decide to break up with me because you think it'll be better in the long run. I told you I won't be here forever. But until I do leave, you won't get to decide that unless it's a valid reason."

"What? Why do you think I would do that?"

"Another thing Decius and I would have to tell you. Show you."

"Let's bring him here then, shall we?"

Decius pops into existence in the middle of the balcony, "I was called?"

I look at him, then to the floor. "You remember the talk in the fade? Before Wis gets..."

"Already? Huh. You pulled yourself together faster than I thought you would, Solas."

"We have to tell him. Showing would be easier."

"You don't mean that we're from—"

"Yeah. I do."

__________________________________

After Decius had manipulated the fade to show Solas bits and pieces of things from earth (cars, monuments, flags, things like that), Solas had looked between us and left. If he left the fade entirely or if just he went to a different area, we cannot tell.

"I'm glad that you aren't totally lost in your mind. Sorry about Solas though."

"Me too. I'd hoped he'd understand. And who's to say what will happen when we wake?"

"I want you to know, really know, that you have done nothing wrong. You felt what Skyhold contains. We both got lost in it. It couldn't have been helped. Guess we know the fade messed with it."

"There were things I could have done. I should have found you sooner in the Mire. In all the time I've known you, you've been captured three times. They were all my fault."

"No. I chose to go see the templars. I chose to be taken by the Avaar. I could have fought them off, but I knew, if you were here, you'd find me."

"But on earth, when... they took you. It wouldn't have happened if you didn't know me. Didn't come with me to the Nome. They tortured you."

He touches the wraps, "If you want to blame someone, it's them. They chose that path. Yes, the pharaoh should have done something more, could have done more, but there was a reason they were kicked out of the Nomes before that."

"If I hadn't brought you there..."

"It would have happened to someone else."

"How many times have you told me that?"

"A lot."

"I'm sorry."

He moves to stand next to me and puts an arm around my shoulders. "Don't be. After your parents and after Alex... I'd be more worried if you didn't doubt yourself after things like this."

"You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"No. I'm not."

We look out to the mountain range for a few minutes before everything starts to feel lighter.

Decius squeezes my shoulders, "I think it's morning. Do you feel better?"

"We'll see. Worried about Solas."

"I know. I can tell."

I frown, "Yeah. It's kinda weird." I chuckle a bit, "I don't think I've worried like this for anyone who isn't you."