Not giving up

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

One of my most painful memories came alive in my dreams that night, making me toss and turn in my sleep. It's about the day that Bucky told me he's leaving.

We are at our old house. He's standing in front of me, trying to convince me that what we have, will never work, that it is not real. How can he say something like that?! He can't possibly mean it! I stare at him in shock, crying my eyes out and hoping that he would change his mind and stay. Stay with me. It's more than obvious that his true feelings don't match the words that come out of his mouth, and I notice he's fighting back tears. So why is he doing this?! My thoughts are all over the place, my stomach twists, I hold my breath. I don't want him to leave. I love him. I truly love him. And I know he loves me too. Why won't he stay? Why can't he love me enough to stay? Turning his back on me, he simply walks away, like it is the easiest thing he's ever done. I start to cry uncontrollably. It's like I can not only feel my heart shattering into a million pieces, but Bucky's pain as well. I grab my chest in agony. I know this feeling, I felt this miserable before. Once. A long time ago... I lower my head and close my eyes, the pain is close to unbearable. And now it strikes me. I can only blame myself. Just like back then, I'm not enough, I will never be enough. My legs are starting to fail on me, I can barely stand upright. I don't have the strength to... I fall on my knees... being just a shadow of a warrior that I used to be. Something feels odd, my heart hurts beyond imaginable, and my head is about to explode. Trying to set free all of these emotions, I scream from top of my lungs, and a blast of energy shoots throughout my body, a bright beam of light and thunderbolts strikes high up into the sky. Then suddenly it all goes black...

I jolt awake, completely overwhelmed by the nightmare. Tears are pouring down my cheeks and as I look at my shaking hands, my head starts spinning and my breathing gets even faster, making me gasp for air. I need to get out. I need fresh air. I need him. I need them both. What?! No! Why would I even think of that?! That's so wrong! My panic intensifies and my heart burns from all the pain and fear. I jump out of bed and hurry out of the bedroom, heading for the kitchen.

Apparently, Bucky had the same nightmare, he comes running into the hallway right after me. Seeing me in this state hurts him more than I expected. "Come here, babe" He firmly grabs my hand and pulls me into a tight hug. Nuzzling my face into the crook of his neck, I sob heavily. "I know, I had it too..." he tries to calm me down and I hear his voice shaking, he's haunted by this particular memory too. Feeling his guilt makes me weep even harder. Noticing my panic isn't getting any less, Bucky carefully cups my face and looks into my eyes. "C'mon, babe. Focus on my voice and breathe with me." He says with the most comforting voice. "I'm here. I'm here for you now," he keeps repeating over and over again while he even tightens the hug.

Looking up to meet his gaze, I stutter. "What if Loki..."

Bucky interrupts me right there and shakes his head. "Trust me, he won't do the same stupid mistake as I did back then. And he will definitely not make his own mistake twice, he learned from his past." He sounds honest and gives me so much needed reassurance. "Deep down, you know I'm right, babe." Sniffling, I swallow hard and nod.

"C'mon, let's get you back to bed." He wipes away my tears with his thumbs as I just keep staring at him in awe. Somehow, it surprises me that he still cares so much and that he's so supportive in my relationship with Loki. On the other hand, it is no secret that he still has the same effect on me he had twelve years ago, his presence still makes all the difference in the world for me. Bucky scoops me into his arms and carries me back to my room, tucking me in.