The 18th Floor

Chapter Thirty Four

Simon talks to me again when Lucien leaves the office to go to the toilet. He tells me to talk to him, I tell him I tried. He calls me a liar and then leaves. I want to shout after him. Why would he talk to me if he won't even talk to his best friend of 20 or more years?

He doesn't ask me if I want a lift home when 5pm comes around. He holds the door open for me and we both go towards the lifts in silence.

He pushes -2 and just as I go to push G, he covers the buttons.

"Lucien –"

"Cyrene, please. Let me drive you to mine." The request takes me by surprise. Why are we going to his?

"I'm ready to talk. Please. I'll take you home whenever you want."

I look at him, I don't know what to say. A part of me wants to go, hear what he has to say, try to understand why he's been acting the way he has. But the other part of me feels shut down and upset about the way he's acted.

"One hour. Then you drive me home."

"Thank you", he says and relief floods his features.

The lift reaches -2 and we head towards his car, I know what's coming and I can't help but hate myself right now. For having to rely on Lucien so much.

"Can I?", he asks, I nod. My body and his tense against each other's. Gone is the natural trust and comfort with each other. I almost flinch at his touch and I see him wince across his face. He puts me down but doesn't immediately pull away. He's lingering, and as much as I want him to pull away, I've missed his warmth and I hate myself for feeling disappoint for when he does pull away. He takes my chair to the back, gets in his seat and without another word we pull out of the park lot.

After 20 minutes of driving in silence, he speaks first.

"I'm sorry."

I turn to look at him, his eyes are on the road but his knuckles are white from clenching the steering wheel.

"For what?"

"For everything." My heart constricts, everything?

"What do you mean everything?"

"I'm sorry for all of it."

"Lucien, I don't understand what you're saying."

He doesn't speak.

"Lucien, talk to me please. I don't understand what the hell is happening", I'm shouting now, or maybe not, I can't hear myself from the pounding of my own head. What is he sorry for? Does he regret what we did? I knew it would catch up to us.

"Cyrene, please let me explain."

"Please do Lucien, because I've been waiting all week and you've acted like I don't fucking exist."

"That's not true."

"Is it not? You haven't looked at me once, or even spoken to me, except when you needed me for work. I don't understand what is happening. You haven't replied to my texts and you cut me off when I tried to ask what was wrong."

"Cyrene", he says softly as he turns his head to me.

"Keep your eyes on the road, Lucien", I don't know why I said it but he straightens at the sentence.

"I would never do anything to harm you Cyrene", he says and he almost looks broken.

Some part of me knows he wouldn't and that he never will. I've always felt safe with him, in the office and in his car. Even after all the trauma I had to deal with post-accident, Lucien has never made me feel unsafe nor uncomfortable. It's always been him that I've wanted to return to.

I don't say anything else. Before I know it, we're pulling into his drive way.