Ersatz

February 1, 1993 - The Teddy Bear Return at the Loft

**This scene was rewritten in A Million Memories. I felt like my rewrite there was near perfect, for what I wanted to do here. I can't imagine it any other way.**

"You have to leave now..."

Pulling the loft door open, he found himself face to face with Marlena. He had Brady in his arms and stared at her helplessly. He wanted to grab her, pull her forward, and kiss her. All he could manage to do was whisper, "Hi."

"Hi," Marlena whispers back, while staring at him, clutching Brady's teddy bear like a lifeline to her sanity. John looks her over, and realizes she's still dressed like she was earlier, when he ran into her at Chez Vous. The amethyst earrings shining through the curls in her hair, and her purple dress peeking from under the hem of her black coat.

She finally holds up the teddy bear, and says lamely, "I was afraid Brady couldn't sleep without this guy...You left him...over at the pub."

"Well, I'm always leaving something behind..." John says with a slight drawl to his words. Those words meaning so much more to both of them, then just a lost, and forgotten teddy bear.

"That happens with a baby. There's so much to carry."

"Yeah," he says.

She continues, "Well...that was why I came by, just to bring this back to you." She hands John the teddy bear, as Brady throws his toy on the ground, and Marlena laughs. The sound of her laugh, causing a reaction in his body. "Well...I don't know why I thought I needed an excuse...I wish I could just stand here, and look at you, and tell you...and tell you..." She can't continue as their eyes lock for a moment, and her voice trails off.

John sighs deeply, and says, "Doc, come in. Let me put Brady down for the night and we can talk."

She steps in, the scent of her perfume overwhelming him as she walks by. Closing the loft door he says, "Give me a few minutes."

"Okay," she says, staring at him.

Twenty minutes later, John descended his stairs, his eyes roaming Marlena's body as she stood waiting for him. She still wore her coat, and she twisted her hands nervously. John asked her quietly, "Would you like to sit?"

"No, I can't stay."

"Where's Roman?" John asks her abruptly, changing the subject. His barely reigned in frustration is threatening to make him do something they will both regret, and bringing up Roman is a 'safe' subject. Bringing up Roman allows them both to remember that they have very clear boundaries that they cannot cross. Boundaries that his mind is crossing in every sexy scenario it can muster at the moment.

Marlena studies him, and pauses for a moment before she answers him, "Roman had a lead on the man who shot Abe."

"That's great, that's great...he'll get him..." John's voice trailed off, and the awkward silence that followed was deafening.

Marlena finally said, "That isn't why I came by...I need to know the reason why you're leaving town—"

"I explained all that at the pub."

"The official reason, yes, I know, but not the real—"

"—you know the real reason, Doc," John replies with emphasis. He is instantly struck by a desire so strong that he almost reaches for her...again. Instead he stares into her eyes for a moment, reading something there that made him even more nervous...desperation.

"Alright then. Maybe I just need to hear it," she said.

"What's the point? What goods it going to do? What the—what..." he can't even continue, he's so overwhelmed with her. He finally says very quietly, "You have to leave now. We shouldn't even be having this conversation. I don't even trust myself alone with you. Let yourself out." He turns, and walks upstairs, leaving Marlena alone.