Ersatz

September 26, 1991 - Miami

Edited/Updated: 10/13/23

"That, Doc, feels familiar."

Marlena watched Roman, lost in thought, as he stared off into space. The veranda doors were open, and Marlena could hear the sound of the surf pounding against the beach, overlapping with the soft chirp of cricket frogs. She was happy, content to be with with Roman. It didn't matter where. 

He swirled the wine in his glass, watching it twirl slowly, and she asked him, "What's going on with you? You're a million miles away tonight."

He looked at her sadly. He couldn't hide it. He'd been thinking about his last trip to Miami, when he had plans to marry Diana. When he thought he was in love. It seemed so long ago, but the pain was still fresh. Before that, the last time he'd been in Miami was when Marlena's plane went down back in 1987, and he had felt his heart crack down the middle. 

"Nah, no...no, I'm right here with you...mostly." But he wasn't with her. Not really. The pain was evident in his eyes. Marlena wanted to connect with him so badly, but he'd been pushing her away for weeks. Sadness welled up inside her as she watched him do it again. He turned, walking away from her, and tried to sound casual, "I just got a lot on my mind."

Refusing to allow him to continue doing it, Marlena followed him. He was lying, and she could feel it. Maybe it was San Cristobal? Maybe he was scared because his conscious mind felt like he'd never been there, but yet he knew so much about it? Intending to reassure him, she said softly, "Roman, there's a lot going on. I understand that. It hasn't been easy for you, and frankly I find the whole thing peculiar."

"What's that?" he asked, finally looking at her. He felt like he spent more time avoiding direct eye contact with her than he did trying to connect. To himself he would admit that he was afraid. Afraid that the next time he woke up, he would find it had all been a dream, and she was still dead.

Marlena continued, thinking she was on the right track, "Just...the fact that you know so much about the island, and you've never even been there."

She cared about him so much. It was obvious. She'd spent weeks trying, trying as hard as she could to connect with him. He'd seen the utter loneliness in her eyes, time after time, as he started to get close. Fear would grip his gut like a vice, and he would walk away. He needed to stop doing it.

Roman said casually, "Oh...nah, that's—that wasn't what I was thinking about at all. In fact, I haven't even thought about that island in a long time." 

He couldn't help but smile when she asked, "What's on your mind then?" She wouldn't give up until she knew. 

Sighing, Roman looked at her, studying the way her eyes could look honey gold one moment, and then pine green the next. He said softly, "I was thinking about the last time I was in Miami...and the time before that." Placing his glass on the table, he scrubbed his palms over his face. G-d, it hurt so much to think about, saying out loud proved to be even harder. "I—I don't even know...the point is, I flew down here, and when I left...it was all over, Doc. The paperwork was done, and you were legally dead." 

Marlena released a small gasp, watching the way the pain lit his eyes. Being there with her, right then, she could only imagine how difficult that was. 

In a voice that cracked with emotion, Roman whispered, "I lost you forever."

Marlena couldn't stop herself, stepping closer, she reached out to pull Roman nearer, and she said softly against his ear, "I'm here. I'm alive. And I will never be separated from you again."

Her breath, hot and moist against his skin, brought memories up. Memories of holding her, kissing her, and loving her. Memories that he had pushed down for five years because the pain of losing her nearly killed him. Memories that he had been pushing away since her return. Roman pulled away quickly. He couldn't allow it to happen. He couldn't want to sink into her, and remember loving her, because if he lost her again, his heart would never recover.