Ersatz

April 2, 1993 - Marlena Sniff's John's Shirt at the Loft

"Hey, Doc, I didn't think you were going to be able to make it," John said, when he answered his door. He couldn't help but look her over. She was gorgeous. Fucking gorgeous. He would always think she was gorgeous, but he had to stop thinking like that. Marlena wanted it to be over, so it was over.

She smiled at him brightly, happy to see him. "Well I almost didn't, but I didn't want to disappoint Abe and Lexie."

"No. No. Come on in. Please," he said, reaching for her gift. "Here, let me take this." He knew he should stop smiling at her like a fool, but she did things to him that no woman ever had.

Marlena glanced around his loft, realizing that it was decorated by someone other than John, and she knew who that someone was. It bothered her, but there was nothing she could do about it, but continue the farce they had begun. It was over. "Oh, my...it looks...really nice," she said, attempting to make small talk.

"Yeah. Yeah, it does, doesn't it? Rebecca helped—"

"—uh huh," Marlena interrupted. "I hope my being here isn't awkward for you," she said, turning to face him.

Forcing himself to be casual, John said, "No, it's not awkward at all." He looked over her body once more, thinking that it would be so easy to push her skirt up over her hips, and then forced himself to say, "I mean you have Roman, and I've...moved on." He snapped his fingers for emphasis, and said with his fake smile, "It had to happen."

He was hurting. She could see it, and it made her hurt. She could pretend with Roman, but she found it incredibly difficult to be fake with John. Even though it was obvious he wasn't happy, Marlena said, "When I think of the mistake that we might've made. You know we would have...broken up my family and hurt Roman and the children—"

"—it's best this way..." he said with absolutely no conviction.

"Yes...it is," she whispered, knowing that neither one of them meant it. It wasn't better, but it was necessary. They both continued to stare at each other, because they couldn't look anywhere else. She saw that he wanted her. It was obvious by the way, he would look at her body, and her lips. He wanted her badly, and even though she'd said it was over, knowing he wanted her, with Rebecca on the roof at the party, made Marlena feel a taboo thrill run through her.

"Well, the party's on the roof, and I think everybody's here. Do you want to join them?"

She couldn't right then. She couldn't watch John mingling with guests while Rebecca hung on his arm like an old rag, "Uh, I think I'd like to use the ladies room first."

"Sure, of course. You know where it is right?"

"Mh-hm, yeah," she said distractedly, looking at his chest, and the way the white t-shirt stretched over it.

"Okay! Well, when you finish up, ah, you just come up on the roof. We'll all be there," he said as lightly as he could. Marlena started to walk away, and he found himself breathing deeply, hoping to catch a scent of her perfume. He refused to allow himself to watch her as she went up the stairs, instead he forced himself to go outside on the roof. Rebecca was on him almost immediately.

"John, who was at the door?" she asked him, looping her arm though his.

"Um, it was someone at the wrong loft," he replied, lying easily. He didn't know why he lied, but he didn't want Rebecca to go looking for Marlena.

"Oh, okay," she murmured.

After several minutes, John realized that Marlena hadn't come onto the roof yet. He could feel something wasn't right. Maybe she was more upset than he'd realized. He needed to check on her without Rebecca following him, so he leaned over and said, "My stomachs a little upset. I'm just going to run to the restroom."