Ersatz

March 22, 1993 - The "I feel jealous" Scene

"Did you...make love to Rebecca?" Marlena asked John softly.

"Yes," he said. "Does—does it bother you that I...was with Rebecca?"

Marlena quickly replied, "That's none of my business—"

"—no. That's not what I asked you," John said stepping closer, trying to read what was going on in her eyes.

"It bother's me...it bother's me...to know that you were with her, the same way that you were with me," she said. In fact, her heart was breaking. It had been since she had found Rebecca wearing John's shirt answering the door to his loft. It had been since John came to that same door shirtless. She said, "...and it's dangerous."

Marlena turns away from him, but John can't let this go. "No. Nah, I don't think so," he said, stepping up behind her. "You see, I need to know how you feel, Doc."

"I feel...jealous," she said softly, turning her head slightly towards him. John reaches for her running his hand over her shoulder. She said, "I feel jealous, and I feel..." Turning back to face him, she says, "...part of me feels...glad that you have someone in your life. Does that make any sense to you?"

"Yeah," he whispers, but he doesn't really feel that way. He's simply agreeing to assuage her feelings of guilt.

"I have Roman. I know how hard that's been for you."

"As you can see, I've been trying—"

"—I know you have," she replies.

"Yeah."

"But, you know what? You—you shouldn't be alone," she says, with tears welling up in her eyes. "So if...if Rebecca makes you happy, then you...you should have Rebecca." She could barely manage to get the words out, because she didn't mean any of them.

"Rebecca is...Rebecca is good company. Like I said, I've been trying. That's—that's...hey, all I can promise," he said with the saddest smile she'd ever seen on his face. She was standing there with him, tears streaming down her face, and telling him she was happy he was moving on, but the tears said she wasn't. "Doc...why are you crying?"

"I don't know," she whispered.

He stood directly in front of her, his fingers tipping her chin up, so she looked into his eyes, and he said, "You do know why."

"It doesn't matter. I've made my decision. I've made my commitment..."

"Doc, I'm moving on, because you asked me to. I'm doing this because you keep pushing me away, and asking me to leave you alone, but your eyes, your tears, are begging me to stay," he said in anguish. "I made love to Rebecca, but I was thinking of you. It was your skin, I was touching. It was your lips, I was kissing. It was your body, I sank into—"

"—oh, G-d!" she cried, holding her hand over her mouth to stifle the sobs that were trying to wrench their way free of her lungs.

He leaned towards her ear, and he whispered, "It's your body I want to make love to right now..."

"John! Stop, please! This hurts too much!"

"Doc, I can't hurt anymore than I already do," he moaned, leaning down to kiss her.

Marlena stepped back quickly, "No! No! We can't can't do this again. We can't—"

"Are you happy? And don't fucking lie to me, Doc! Are you happy?"

"I just need to—"

"That's not what I asked you!" he roared. "Are you happy? I don't want to know about your commitments! I don't want to know what you think you should do! I want to know if you're happy?" Marlena was sobbing so hard, she could barely breath. She was miserable, but she couldn't speak because she was gasping for air, so she simply stared at him. "I love you, baby! I love you with my soul. You are the other half of me and without you...I am lost."

Marlena continued to cry, and her knees buckled, as she fell to the ground. John went down with her, pulling her into his arms, and brushing the hair out of her face. He did the only thing he could think to do. He kissed her. He kissed her with all of the love, passion, and possession he had within him.

Her fingers dug into his hair, and she cried into his mouth. Desperate to push him away, and desperate to pull him closer. She felt his hands pulling at the neckline of her blouse, and his hot mouth along her neck, biting her skin, and she whimpered. John pulled back, staring into her glassy eyes, "Don't keep pushing me away. Please. I need you, and you...whether you admit it or not...you need me."

"It's so complicated, and I'm so scared," she whispered, still clinging to him.

"Do you love me?"

"You know I do," she said.

"Then kiss me, and we'll worry about the rest later," he said, coming back to bite at her lips. "Because you are mine."

"I know," she said. "I know."

John knew they should stop. Roman could come home. Carrie could come downstairs. Anything could happen, but he couldn't seem to pull himself away from her. His tongue swept into her mouth, and the taste of her exploded into his senses. "I love you," he told her resting his forehead on hers.

"I love you," she whispered back to him.

"Come to the loft tonight."

"John?"

"Come to the loft, so we can discuss what to do, but don't keep pushing me away. It's going to be messy, but it will be worse if we keep pretending it over. It's not fucking over, Doc."

"I know," she whispered, pulling his mouth back to hers.

John kissed her once more. A hard, biting kiss, that said more physically than words ever could. He pulled back, looking at her and said, "Come tonight?"

"Yes," she said.

END SCENE

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