Ersatz

February 18, 1993 - Carrie's Apartment

"And then I wake up in the middle of the night, and I find myself staring out a window...all I see is your face."

The door closed behind Carrie, leaving John and Marlena alone in her apartment. John sighed in frustration, looking at Marlena, "Don't be mad at me."

Marlena's back was to him. She couldn't face him right then, the emotion in her eyes would be too much for both of them. Being alone with him was too much for her. She said quietly, "I'm not angry with you. I just remember that we...that we promised not to be alone together, and now Carrie has left the room."

She finally turned to face him, and John's heart stuttered. She was a vision. The most beautiful woman he had ever know. He was drawn into her orbit anytime she was near him. He found himself stepping closer, even thought he knew he shouldn't. He watched Marlena step back tentatively, and he saw the uncertainty in her eyes. She was caught in his gaze, and she was scared. John sighed again, and said, "Well for Carrie's sake, let's discuss her problem. I mean, she asked us both for help, right?"

Marlena stared at him helplessly for a moment, and she whispered, "I don't like lying to Roman. It's bad enough—"

John's chest squeezed at the obvious pain in her eyes, and the way her voice cut off. He finished her sentence, stepping closer, "—it's bad enough, that what happened between us is being kept a secret?"

Marlena shook her head with the barest movement. She couldn't seem to get her breathing under control, her fear, her anxiety...and being so close to John, had her body reacting all sorts of ways. She wanted to step closer, into the circle of his arms. She looked at him, saying softly, "I wish, she hadn't called you."

"You know, if you just listen to her talk," John said, "...she still considers me, her father. She's always going to be very special to me—"

"—I know that!"

John's heart was breaking, as he looked at Marlena, "I can't forget that we used to be a family, okay? I can't forget that we used to sit up and talk about the kids! Remember?"

Marlena's face contorted in pain, and tears shone in her eyes. She couldn't look at him. It hurt too much, and the pain in his eyes was too much for her. Turning away from him, she heard as he continued, "We put them to bed, and we'd sit up and talk all night about them, for crying out loud!"

Marlena started crying at John's words. It hurt so much. He stepped closer to her, watching her quickly brush the tears from her face, "Talk about what they were going to be like when they grow up, and what a handful Carrie was gonna be!"

She smiled softly at his words, because even as they tore her heart out, they were the sweetest memories. Memories of being curled in his arms, talking into the silence of their bedroom on long nights. She started speaking softly, "I remember talking about...how we'd cope with teenage hormones." John started laughing behind her, thinking of the irony, and Marlena turned to face him, saying, "And here we are—"

"—coping with teenage hormones," John finished. Their eyes met, and locked. Marlena felt her heart rate speed up. Being with John was so natural, and so relaxing. When every other aspect of her life was full of tension, and uncertainty, John had always been comfort. He was comforting her now, and she knew, she should leave. John wasn't the person she should be garnering comfort from, but she was caught.

Caught up in the moment, Marlena said, "...and I'd wonder, what kind of man she'd fall in love with, and—"

"—if I remember correctly, you always said, you wished that she would—"

"—fall in love with...somebody like you," she whispered.

John watched her with sad eyes, saying, "Yeah."