Ersatz

December 11, 1991 - The Mexico Conversation

Edited/Updated: 11/5/23

"Isabella's pregnant..."

John found himself standing in Marlena's hut feeling lost and uncomfortable. He was feeling as if he'd made a horrible mistake. He had come to tell her goodbye. They would get the closure they needed to move on. Him with Isabella and Marlena with Roman, and if he were honest, it made the most sense. Of course it did. After all, once Roman's death was nullified, John's marriage to Marlena would be null and void too. He would be, once again, a man with no knowledge of his past. A man named John Black. Marlena wouldn't need to do anything. The legal stem would do all of the work.

The problem was, since he'd made love to Isabella, he'd felt nothing but sick. He seemed to have a perpetual ache in his chest. And ever since he'd walked into the Professor's house with his fingers linked through Isabella's...ever since his eyes had caught Marlena's, he'd felt that he'd made a massive mistake. This conversation with Marlena should have taken place before he recommitted to Isabella.

Marlena wondered why he was there? Hadn't he made his choice? From the moment he'd walked into the Professor's front door, with his hand holding Isabella's, his choice was obvious. Whatever he was there to do just then, was nothing but lip service. Marlena stared at John, watching his mouth move, realizing she hadn't heard most of the words he'd uttered. Trying to focus, she listened to his words, and tried to pay attention to what he was saying.

"I would have told you this earlier, but I just found out myself. It's taken a couple days to really sink in...Isabella's pregnant," John said. His gut rolled, and he could barely make eye contact with Marlena, his guilt was so strong. Even though Isabella's pregnancy had happened before Marlena returned, he felt like he'd cheated on Marlena when Isabella told him. He should have been happy. Wasn't he supposed to feel happy? He was, but it wasn't his initial reaction. His first thought was that he'd lost Marlena. Roman was back, which meant Marlena had a husband, and it wasn't him. Even the night before, which he'd spent with Isabella, had felt wrong. Everything about their current situation felt wrong.

Marlena felt like her heart was being wrenched from her body, as she stared at him blankly. Stay calm. It shouldn't have come as a surprise to her, the way things were going to turn out, and yet, it did. She had held out hope, that maybe, just maybe, her heart would get to hold onto the man in front of her. She had hoped, that he would be Roman. That everything they were going through was just another manifestation of Stefano's machinations. Maybe it was. Maybe, even in death, Stefano laughed at the way his final game had played out.

It physically hurt her to stand there and listen to John's words. They were wrong. They were conciliatory, when that was the absolute last emotion she felt at that moment. Marlena took a deep breath. She couldn't break down in tears right then. Later, when she was alone, she could allow herself to feel the pain that seemed to be tightening on her chest like a vice. She had to control the feelings of loss. She couldn't allow John to see that. It would only make things harder on him, and he was already losing his whole life. Everything he'd built would be taken from him and handed to Roman.

Marlena considered Isabella's behavior as of late, her nausea and her fainting outside the pyramid. Pregnant? Would John have chosen her if Isabella hadn't been pregnant? It didn't help matters to even allow her thoughts to go in that direction. John had made his choice as soon as he walked in holding Isabella's hand that morning. What Marlena wanted was negligible. Gathering her thoughts she said softly, "Of course she is."

"You knew?" John was surprised, but then he wasn't. It was Marlena. She was one of the most intelligent, observant people he knew.

"The nausea? Dizziness? I, uh...tried real hard not to know it," she said, turning away from him. She could hear the bitterness in her own voice, and felt ashamed. She shouldn't be feeling such negative emotions about an innocent life, but her mind was something she had no control over. Her mind whispered, if there was no baby, would he have chosen her?