Ersatz

May 13, 1996 - John's Drugged Hypnosis

"It's in your eyes...your voice. You can't hide it."

John shifted on the bed, moaning and restless. Laura looked at Marlena, "I wonder what he's remembering now?"

"I hate this for him. He's suffered so much. He shouldn't have to relive all of this now," Marlena said quietly, watching him from across the room.

Laura watches her drift across the room to stare down at the man she is so obviously in love with. Following her, Laura gently places her hand upon Marlena's back.

"Oh, I just hate to see him suffer," Marlena whispers, trying to keep her voice low to avoid startling John in his drugged state.

"It's a good thing that no one is here right now," Laura tells her. "Your love for him..."

"What?"

"It's in your eyes...your voice. You can't hide it."

Marlena looks around helplessly. She does love him, and she knows Laura is right. Flustered, she says, "Maybe you should handle this. I don't have to be here for it."

Laura follows Marlena as she starts to leave the room, "What good is getting away from it going to do? Is it going to change the way you feel? Just face it, Marlena! I mean, you're in love with him, and this letter...it's only made you long that much more, that he loves you, too!"

Marlena turns to face Laura, and says, barely above a whisper, "It doesn't matter what I want." Then louder, "So many people have been hurt already."

Laura smiles, listening to Marlena say the same thing she's said before, "I knew you were going to say that, but I have something else in mind."

"What?"

"I think, if you really knew how John feels, you couldn't help but tell him you still love him," Laura told her.

"What do you have in mind?"

"Well, if we...ask him, while he's still under the influence of drug...he'll answer truthfully."

"Ask him what?" Marlena wanted to know, but she already knew what Laura was going to say. She was stalling because two parts of herself were at war. The clinical, moral professional side, which absolutely knew that asking John anything personal while he was under the effects of the drug was ethically wrong, and the other side, the woman who loved John with her whole being, who desperately wanted to know if he loved her too.

"I'm going to ask him, if he's still in love with you," Laura said. "And if he loves you more than he loves Kristen."

Marlena felt her heart speed up, and she immediately said, "Laura, no! I—I can't do that. I can't take advantage of John, when he's in this state."

Laura disagrees, "How is it taking advantage of him? I mean, the drugs haven't worn off yet, and why not ask him how he feels about you?"

"I'm not—I'm not sure that I want to know the answer to that. Not if it's going to hurt people."

"What about your pain?" Laura said loudly. "Why is it that you're always so quick to devalue your own feelings?" Marlena stares at Laura surprised that her friend said that, but she remains silent, as Laura continues, "Marlena, you know that I don't wish Kristen, or the baby, harm. It's just that you and John have such a special love, and if he's in love with you...more than he is Kristen, she's going to be hurt anyway. You need to know how John truly feels in his heart!"

Marlena stares at her best friend helplessly, and watches as she rounds the bed nearing John. Laura sits on the bed next to him, touching his arm lightly, and he flinches, groaning loudly. Laura says, "John? Can you hear me?"