Ersatz

December 29, 1992 - A Conversation at the Loft

Was there any other reason you stopped by?

Marlena reached for the tape recorder sitting on her desk, and took up the pen beside it, prepared to take notes for Kim's file. Pressing play, Kim's voice came from the speakers,

"Well, I just wish I could open up more to Phillip about this whole thing. I mean...he wants me to." Kim sighed softly, "I don't know, I just can't. Maybe if it was Shane...I'm not saying I want to get back with him. I love Philip. He's the man in my life now, but...Shane used to be that man. We went through a lot together. I can't just forget that..."

Marlena mind wandered. John had seemed so sad on Christmas, and she'd wanted to be able to console him. She'd felt such an impulse to be that for him, but it wasn't her place anymore. Prior to Stella kidnapping her, keeping her emotions for John and Roman separate had seemed easier. Since she'd been rescued, since she'd had those quiet hours with John thinking they were going to die, something had changed. Perhaps it had never changed, maybe she'd felt this way all along.

Marlena clicked the recording off, and laid her pen down. She had to stop thinking of John. But still her mind wandered to their conversation outside the day before. Roman had been irritated that she'd gone by John's loft to drop off gifts. Roman had been even more annoyed that she had invited John for Christmas. Even if he said nothing, it was obvious by his tone of voice when he asked, "Oh, you invited John? You didn't mention that."

Her fingers played with the gold charm bracelet hanging from her wrist, as she thought about the impulse that pushed her to follow him into the cold on Christmas. John had gone outside, and she'd wanted so badly to have some time with him. Time where they could be alone, without masking their emotions for everyone around them. Masking their emotions? Is that what she was doing?

Marlena watched John stand near the French doors, his arms folded tightly against his body. She'd followed him outside because something about his posture, and the look on his face, made her heart ache. He smiled for everyone. He caught up on their lives. He passed Brady around, but it wasn't enough, because she knew it was all a ruse.

"Oh, it's cold out here," she said stepping closer.

John looked at the ground, "Oh, yeah..."

"What going on?" she asked him.

"I—I was going to dart out to the car to get another blanket for Brady, and I started thinking that, uh, this is the little guys first Christmas," John told her, while staring up at the night sky.

To anyone else, it might read as a benign, blanket statement, with no underlying meaning, but Marlena heard so much more. He was suffering with Isabella's loss. It was Brady's first Christmas, and his mother was gone. John had become a husband, father, and widower in the span of five months. She hurt for him, his pain seeping into her. Reaching out and allowing herself to finally touch him, she rubbed her palm vigorously over his bicep, "I know. I realize that." She came up fully beside him, standing closer, if that were possible, "I wish there was something that I could...say...some magical words to make you feel better today."

"I don't think there is anything magical you can say, Doc." John had a bittersweet smile on his face. Finally turning to look at her, he tucked his arms tighter around himself, "Just knowing that you care...watching you..." His voice trailed off and Marlena felt flutters of anticipation. His eyes looked away quickly, trying to cover his naked emotion, as he said, "...freeze out here with me, to show you care. That's...that helps a lot."

Had he been watching her? She'd been watching him, and she knew it was dangerous. Everything she was feeling since being pulled out of the pit was feeling dangerous. In an effort to cover her own complicated feelings, she said, "Well I do...care, and I am freezing..." She stared for a second too long, before she said, "but, I do care."