The Night flower & Her Moon - Journey of Beginnings

Acceptance

Not intend to lie, I looked into ANDRE's stories from time to time. He and Mamma cool were enjoying their Hollywood trip joyously.

💭"Lovely!!!......."

Okay, back to work!!! Two plans failed....... no worries.....it's okay.....Now it's number 3........

3- Comparisons - Hmmmm..... compare to the hotter ones...... models or celebs???......... celebs sound good to me as there are a lot to learn besides just distracting myself........... models???......... I didn't try yet. I needed to choose someone for one of my stories too. Pictures make stories better. Time worthy deal"

Few minutes of searching, a few more minutes of adjusting them with my characters and a few more minutes of going through more profiles. And I was done!!! I salute all the writers, casting managers and others on the team. It's quite a stressful job. They go through thousands of profiles to get the desired ones. Here I was struggling like hell for just choosing pictures!!!

I closed my eyes to call it a day. But, even after 2 hours, I was awake. What else to do after midnight!! So, I logged in again. Back to work on plan number 3. There were many hot, charming, super handsome, sculptured faces, fascinating eyes, muscular build and more. They were good accounts but were not attractive like ANDRE's account. Like there was something missing, like life!!! My messy head was trapped. You know...........ANDRE is ANDRE!!! no substitute can have the soul he has in his personality. It's complicated now!!!

But this complication was rather wanted than thrown because I never really tried enough to get off my journey in real. I decided to shrink my boundaries but it never happened in real. I might put it as a support or following only but I knew it was never that simple. I decided to end whatever was taking shape but in reality, I never took action for it. I couldn't!!! I was confused, anxious, nervous and scared but I was always there. Stepping off was too far, I didn't even step back. I was constantly diving into those emotions, those feelings. I never tried or better say I never let out of the cage.

No lies, I couldn't help to peek into ANDRE's stories and posts constantly. Not my fault. My fingers were out of control like my messy head and emotions. I was acting like a crazy teen. Doing attraction-distraction theories!!! So silly and embarrassing as an adult!!!!

Even in my messy state, I was curious to see his stories, see how they were enjoying the trip. His mom is a cool family. A lucky man and a hella cute one too. Seriously!!!!! That was the first time I saw the excited little kid inside him. His idol was retiring. He is one awesome player + crazy fan of tennis. He was literally jumping on the bed, cheering like crazy.......Mr ET though!!! But the cute little Mr ET version that day. He was cheering so loud. I wondered if his neighbors had reported to the authorities😅 That was amusing. Even though I was a terribly messed-up because of the new struggles with my brand-new feelings, I couldn't stop myself from adoring his Cuteness. Seeing him excited and happy, it felt so good!! I was trying to get out of the foreign feelings but my struggles were getting out of picture instead of my fears!!!

I was still trying to wander in book-world, writing and randomly scrolling on IG. Nothing good but being extra silly. Like it was ever an option!!! I started all those excuses but I had this gut feeling since the beginning that it wasn't gonna work this time but yet I tried!!! The difference was pretty clear, it wasn't like before, simple and easy to push away. I knew the feelings, emotions, frustration, and nervousness were much stronger to fight this time. I knew these feelings aren't temporary to end later. I could sense the difference in my desires. I knew I was trapped this time. But my fears were strong enough to make me accept the fact.

✍Denial is never a solution. It's a bigger problem itself. It keeps you stuck in your fears and pushes you back to the past, back to the darkness. But, if we wish to grow, the very needed thing to do is keep the past caged far away from our present or it would keep coming in our way always, keeping us stuck and weak.