Where We Are

This is Me Trying

I've been having a hard time adjusting
I had the shiniest wheels, now they're rusting
I didn't know if you'd care if I came back
I have a lot of regrets about that

I drove up to the mountains about 30 miles out from Vegas. Tonight the roads were dark and the world was quiet. I didn't put my engagement ring back on, I stuffed it in the bottom of my purse. I felt mentally drained and had no one to be angry with but myself. Stupid me for not knowing what the fuck I wanted or who.

Pulled the car off the road to the lookout
Could've followed my fears all the way down
And maybe I don't quite know what to say
But I'm here in your doorway

I pulled off to one of mine and Zak's favorite spot. You could see the sparkling lights of the strip down below. I got out and walked to the edge. The wind blew strongly as I got closer. What if I jumped? What if it all came to a stop. Zak would get the kids, Jay would get Dallas. No more fighting, no more infidelity. No more hard decisions for my heart to take. Whoa. No. I can't.

I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

I got back in the car. Decided I'd try to call Jay. It was four calls before it started going straight to voicemail. I tried to call Zak, no response. I couldn't win, could I?

They told me all of my cages were mental
So I got wasted like all my potential
And my words shoot to kill when I'm mad
I have a lot of regrets about that
I was so ahead of the curve, the curve became a sphere
Fell behind on my classmates, and I ended up here
Pouring out my heart to a stranger
But I didn't pour the whiskey

I ended up at a dive bar, drank my weight in whiskey. When I feel felt well enough to drive hours later, I took myself home. I check my phone to see that neither of the guys had messaged me.

And it's hard to be at a party when I feel like an open wound
It's hard to be anywhere these days when all I want is you
You're a flashback in a film reel on the one screen in my town

Jay wasn't home when I got home. I laid in bed awake. Everything revolved around Jay or Zak. I didn't even know who I was anymore. I got pregnant at such a young age and married a man so much older than me, I truly didn't know who I was as a young woman. I never had that full Independence.

And I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying
(And maybe I don't quite know what to say)
I just wanted you to know
That this is me trying

I was close to 30. Maybe it was time I was single for a while. Dated around. Saw various men. Focused on my kids and forgot about the ties between the GAC guys. I owed it to myself to be single for a bit. If the boys could play, why couldn't it?

At least I'm trying

(Loosely based on Taylor Swifts song: This is Me Trying)