Where We Are

You're Losing Me

*Based on "You're Losing Me" by Taylor Swift*

(Evelyn's POV)

I decided I was finally ready to tell my side of the story so I saw a therapist. Her name was Olivia. I was a few weeks in before I told her about pulling away from Jay, getting caught with Zak and disappearing for a few months.

"Evelyn? When you're ready, you can tell me what really happened. You're safe." She assured me.

I lie back on her couch, close my eyes, take a deep breath and start the story:

********Flashback to before Evelyn took off****

I felt that Jay and I were falling out of love, if I'm being honest. Since we had Dallas, he was involved in a lot more projects and we weren't spending much time together.

You say, "I don't understand, " and I say, "I know you don't"
We thought a cure would come through in time, now, I fear it won't
Remember lookin' at this room, we loved it 'cause of the light
Now, I just sit in the dark and wonder if it's time

"Evelyn? Will you just talk to me? You seem distant. Did I do something? I don't understand." Jay said.

"I know you don't. It's just something I have to deal with alone right now. I'm okay." I told him quickly building a wall.

Do I throw out everything we built or keep it?
I'm getting tired even for a phoenix
Always risin' from the ashes
Mendin' all her gashes
You might just have dealt the final blow

I think Jays talking to someone. He seems happier and I know it's not because of me. He was different since coming home from his solo projects. He's more secretive and has no fight left in him anymore...at least for me.
Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore
For you
'Cause you're losin' me

I wanted to ask him, tell him I knew something was up but instead I waited for him to show me signs.

Every mornin', I glared at you with storms in my eyes
How can you say that you love someone you can't tell is dyin'?
I sent you signals and bit my nails down to the quick
My face was gray, but you wouldn't admit that we were sick

I felt as if my feelings were already torn in two between my deep desire for Zak still and then Jay. It seems that if he was cheating, he'd made it that much easier to break up.

And the air is thick with loss and indecision
I know my pain is such an imposition
Now, you're runnin' down the hallway
And you know what they all say
You don't know what you got until it's gone

Did Jay know about my fantasies with Zak? Oh no. Wait, he can't. He can't read my mind. That must mean someone's on the side. My phone, heart and mind are all locked up tight to prevent Jay from ever knowing.

Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
Stop, you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore
For you
'Cause you're losin' me
'Cause you're losin' me
Stop (stop) 'cause you're losin' me
My heart won't start anymore ('cause you're losin' me)

I'd be up with Dallas late at night and be excited around the kids but Jay was pulling back and so was I.

How long could we be a sad song
'Til we were too far gone to bring back to life?
I gave you all my best me's, my endless empathy
And all I did was bleed as I tried to be the bravest soldier

The departure kisses became quick & empty. I think Jay started to schedule more personal projects to get away from me. I slowly started to fade and once again let a man take my identity. Exactly how I did with Zak before the divorce.

Fighting in only your army
Frontlines, don't you ignore me
I'm the best thing at this party
(You're losin' me)
And I wouldn't marry me either
A pathological people pleaser
Who only wanted you to see her

Late at night, in the middle of my pity parties for myself, I feel like I can't blame Jay. I came with so much baggage, with kids, already married before. This was all new to him. I was a people pleaser by nature and that's always backfired. 

And I'm fadin', thinkin'
"Do something, babe, say something" (say something)
"Lose something, babe, risk something" (you're losin' me)
"Choose something, babe, I got nothing (got nothing)
To believe
Unless you're choosin' me"

I wonder if Jay can sense the pulling apart. Wonder if he can tell we're on the outs. I waited for him to say something, do something. I'd lay in bed and stare at the ceiling night after night.

You're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
Stop (stop, stop), you're losin' me
I can't find a pulse
My heart won't start anymore