74 - I Heard What They Said

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"I heard what they said about you yesterday," I say to Eli as he walks in. He jumps. I've noticed that I've accidentally snuck up on people or surprised them with my presence in the past three or so years. I walk with light steps, especially when I'm nervous about something. I also breathe as quietly as I can, because one time my dad threw a beer bottle at me because I was breathing too loud. I never made the same mistake again. Not around him. Then it became something of a habit unless I've been working out or I'm worked up.


"How long have you been here?" he asks, crossing over to me. I've gotten here early every day we've had training because I need to get used to waking up early for show choir again, and so I can get in some time alone at the dojo before everyone else gets here. Today I was mainly fixing the paper on the door that got damaged.


"About thirty minutes or so. Your observational skills could use some work, no? I heard everything Chris and Nate said to you. I watched as Demetri just kind of shrugged and said nothing. And I heard what Mr LaRusso said too," I say stepping off of the deck I was doing kata on so that we're on the same level.


"I didn't even notice you in there," he says. I was kind of in a corner. I like putting my stuff in the same corner every time. Habits and routines are comforting to me, especially since I don't seem to get one that lasts too long before something throws it off... I shrug.


"Being in the background has always been my strong suit," I say, "what they said was awful. I know where they're coming from, but it was still awful."


He shakes his head, looking away from me.


"They're right. I don't fit anywhere. And Mr LaRusso is right too. I've ruined things with everyone here, especially you, so I don't know why you're talking to me like you don't feel the same way," he says. I'd be lying if I said I didn't share some of their hurt feelings, but that doesn't mean I want him to feel awful.


"Maybe I do, but that doesn't mean I want you to feel awful... I understand what it's like," I say, voice getting a little quieter, a little more sincere, towards the end. He looks up at me again, seeming confused.


"What are you talking about? Everybody loves you," he says. It's a nice thought, but I'm pretty sure the Eagle Fangs still don't like me. I don't need them to like me. Some of them have hurt me and my friends, so I don't care if they like me or not. I mean, I'd like them to, but if nothing else, we all just need to be able to tolerate each other, and at this point, it's not seeming like we can even do that.


"You didn't. I hurt you... I've said things I regret more than anything that I can never fix... I've lied to people for my own benefit... that one never hurt anyone but myself, but still. I know what it's like to feel like you don't belong. Ay caramba, we ate lunch in the library together practically all of eighth grade, if there's anybody who understands not fitting in, it's us... but more than that, I understand feeling out of place here," I say, words sincere. Our eyes meet for a second, but I look away quickly. Making eye contact with him just feels so... personal. So vulnerable. And completely vulnerable is not something I want to be around him.


"What about what Mr LaRusso said? He's right, I've ruined things with everyone in both dojos," he asks. I smile a little.


"He's got a point, but don't mind him too much. He gets like that when he's upset, and he hates your sensei. You'll get a feel for him eventually, he's more predictable than the sun rising and setting. I can talk to him about it if you want," I say. Do I want to do that? No. But if it'll bring us all together, then I'll think it over all day and night to come up with the perfect thing to say and talk to him about it.

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