Tutor • Robin Arellano

Chapter IX

I woke up to the feeling of pure nausea. We hadn't eaten for three days and that sick, son of a bitch's excuse was that he was going away for work. Feeling my stomach acid ripping my skin apart, I was faint and fearful. I glance around, looking for the two boys instinctively.

Robin was fast asleep, on the far right. He was cuddled up to me, I remember hearing panicked breathing in the darkness earlier last night and then, arms wrapping around me. Thinking it was Finn, I shrugged it off at the time but, it seems that it was Robin. I never thought of him as the nightmare type but, it seems that I don't really know everything about Robin; I don't know much about his past or what goes on in his head and I'd love to know more. I know that it can't always be pleasant up there. I see his fidgets, the bounce of his knee, the way he bites his lip, his nails. I notice the small things he tries to mask but, I know that something is wrong. He just isn't the type to talk about it.

I look over to my left - me being in the middle of the two boys - to see Finney curled up, distressed. Finn was both similar to Robin and the opposite at the same time. I had never found Robin crying like I had Finney. I had never saved Robin from a nervous breakdown like I had Finney. Yet, all the times that I had found him, it was never purposeful. I guess that's where Robin and Finn were similar, neither of them are open. Finn is just more emotional. Just because someone is emotional, doesn't mean they're open. Not many people understand the concept of secretive emotional behaviours. On the other hand, I notice a lot about people's behaviours.

-

I gently push Robin off of me, making sure to not wake him and shuffle myself over to Finney. I wrap my arms around his curled being and take his head under my chin. "It's okay, you've escaped from him once, you'll escape from him again. You've got one more person now, okay? You've got me here. I'm not going anywhere, Robin isn't either. You're not alone." I reassure him, whispering in his ear. He pulls away from me slightly and nods, looking partially unconvinced. "Okay... Yeah, you're right. Thank you." He mumbled. "No problem." I said, ruffling his hair in the process. "It's still dark, did you have a nightmare again?" I ask him. He nods and curls back into his original position. "Get some sleep, Finney. I'm here. I'll be here to protect you, okay?" I comfort him. He nods again and quietly thanks me before lying down and closing his eyes.

I lay back down, flat on my back and start to relax. I feel Robin's muscular arms wrap around me once again. He whispers, "Is he okay? Is he asleep again...? I worry about him. He always wakes up really suddenly at our sleepovers. I pretend to not notice because he'd feel embarrassed if I did but you know..." So this happens a lot? I do feel bad for him, really bad. He's not dealing with his mental health very well and he doesn't talk to anyone about it. Poor boy really needs help. I try to help him as I can but I'm not a professional. One day, I will be. One day, I'll be able to help my brother in the way he needs. I love him dearly and I just need him to be okay.
"Yes, he's asleep now. I'm not sure if he's okay but he will be, for now." I reply.

Honestly, I'm surprised I don't feel worse. I think I probably do deep inside but, I also think that I'd feel selfish for feeling that way since both boys that I'm with have been through this twice. So mentally, I've got to be strong otherwise, I feel rude and selfish. It makes no sense really but... It's how I am. To be honest, I don't really know much about my own mental health. I focus on helping other people so much that I don't really focus on myself. I like it that way though. By taking on other people's problems, I'm able to ignore my own. I don't really know what problems I do have because of this and maybe, that isn't healthy but, if I don't see the problems, I don't have any. It's a bad way of thinking and I don't recommend it but, I used to feel much worse when I did acknowledge my problems. It like... by ignoring them, they're going away, like little bullies. That's what mental health feels like sometimes. Bullies. Target the weak. It's not fair, nothing is fair but, that's life. The sooner you accept it, the sooner you can move on. I've moved on. I just simply don't care anymore. Maybe I should care. Maybe I should be screaming and crying because I've been kidnapped by someone who should be dead. But, I'm not. It's just the way I am. Maybe it'll change. Maybe it won't. The wait for the break is killing me but, I don't care so, it doesn't bother me.

885 words

Sorry if this one was kinda miserable. I'm leaning into the angst and the fact she's into psychology. Hope y'all enjoyed. Feel free to leave feedback.

-Love, Eden