For Lovers Only - [A Zarry Stylik]©️

III- I'LL BE THERE

Z,

Two years ago, you uploaded this photo to your drive!

The notification pinged on my phone. I opened it. It was a photo of him. The windows were opened showing the trees outside, it was a beautiful day in the wintertime. He slept peacefully, with the sheet barely covering any skin. His hair was all over the pillow, his face half-hidden, and his mouth parted. It was black and white. I took it because he looked beautiful, and I wanted to remember it forever.

I sunk deep into our memories. Finding picture, after picture. I wanted to remember us, and our story, so I organized them chronologically. I added a few to my favourites as they were important moments for us.

I knew why I did it. I knew what it meant. I did it because I wanted to send a message. A signal.

I still think of you. I miss you. You never left my mind.

Let me explain I am not a good person.

I am not true. Not honest. I've lied. I've hidden. I've desired other things while having a perfect one right next to me. I'm selfish. Dark. Some may say downright evil. Unable to understand certain things or just too stubborn to care about anything.

I'm a smug prick who enjoys attention.

I am not a good person.

I wish I could be gone with the twilight or go back in time to a moment where my choice could've been easier. The truth is, no flame burns forever. And it might sound defeatist, and negative, but sometimes what is there, evaporates, and other times what is always there will continue to be. I'm not supposed to make sense. I don't even understand it myself. The hurt is complicated, and intricate muscle, with a life of his own and uncontrollable spasms.

So, I am not a good person.

I've made mistakes. I've broken promises. I thought of another while holding the hand of someone else. I seek refuge in my mind, in old memories, in old affections I can't quite shake from my skin. Not sure I want to either.

I'm sorry, my love. I am sorry for not being true to you. I am sorry for not being true to myself. I don't know where to begin. You and I both know this all too well. I've never known where to begin.

And to you, my forever green-eyed curly-haired boy. I want to hold you in the dark one last time. I've never been so lost; I want to hear your laugh one last time. I want to feel you against me. I want to hear my name come through your lips with unbelievable softness. I never tried to trick you, I just tried to work it out the best way I could. If only things were black and white, I could hold you tight without holding back my mind - without fear. Open my arms and go.

Hopefully, I can do it better this time.

Hopefully, my courage wouldn't escape me again.

I wasn't strong enough. I wasn't real enough. I wasn't yours enough and I never was yours, to begin with. I wish I hadn't made you cry and that I hadn't lied with the strength of a thousand ones - to both of you.

I am not a good person. Don't expect it from me. I won't do it right.

Sitting at my desk, I watched as my phone vibrated again with another call from my husband. It was the third time that morning that he had called, but I couldn't pick up. I wouldn't pick up. There were a lot of emotions coming back to me, making it impossible for me to think. It was this rumbling inside my chest with underlying anxiety I couldn't quite understand or pinpoint. Like a storm brewing at a distance.

Was it the normal anxiety of a man who was a husband, a father and owned his business...

Or it was the sight I had seen that almost made me crash my car a week ago?