For Lovers Only - [A Zarry Stylik]©️

XXXIX- HARRY'S HOUSE. HARRY'S RULES

H,

I had a knot in my stomach.

I couldn't chew the pizza. It looked amazing and tasted great, but I couldn't find the strength to eat it. I had only taken one bite since we came down and it was enough for now. If I ate more, I'd probably throw everything up. I was nauseous and too anxious to eat whatever.

Instead, I took a sip of water and then placed my glass down. I kept my digits on the side of the glass, watching the water slowly come to a stop. With my mind away, I twirl the glass on itself slowly, making the liquid slosh against the transparent walls.

Again, here I was putting everything on hold and begging Zayn for another shot. Here I was cutting my heart into pieces, falling prey to his ego and what he wanted.

Where was his dedication? His love? His appreciation for me?

I dwell on my feelings: I had been hurt because Zayn had abandoned me so easily. How with one sentence "Jaimie is in the hospital "my very-complicate-and-ever-lasting lover" dropped everything to run towards Liam.

I understood, Zayn was concerned about the boy and has had zero contact with him ever since Liam caught us - I couldn't possibly begin to comprehend the level of emotion he was going through.

But, fuck me that gutted me. Gutted me to see how he was so laser-focused on getting to Liam. Hurt me to see the power that he still had over my Zayn despite not being in contact with him. How easily did Zayn throw me away.

It was at that moment I understood that, somehow, through some magical word, Liam would always get a hold of Zayn. Always.

Even if he signs the divorce today, Liam would always know what to say; pulling out tricks and triggers that I couldn't control on my end because Zayn would go blind and deaf under them.

Liam was good. Fuck, he was a master.

And if he was that good, I had to be better. I had to capitalize on the fact that Zayn was with me. Beat Liam in his mind fuck game.

My mind went to Eleanor and Louis. Their relationship wasn't like ours, but I saw some connecting lines: Louis was bi and polyamorous. Eleanor wasn't.

By placing boundaries and setting rules, she managed to control the relationship and Louis, because he loved her, complied. Within her pain, Eleanor found a way to have control, to dictate the relationship to her benefit. Louis had been the master at his own game, but Eleanor stepped up, gaining power.

I needed to do the same, even if it pained me. It wasn't enough just to say I didn't want Liam anywhere around us. I needed to tell Zayn, that if he dropped me again, we were done. Put my foot down. Carve in a knife right into his heart and twist it around, so he'd know I was not fucking about.

If it was going to be us. It was going to be us.

Instinctively, I looked up catching Zayn facing me. He had a painful look, there was no shine or the glimmer he used to have. He was serious, perhaps worried. Looking down at his plate; he hadn't eaten much.

The desire and heat I had just felt, were gone. I had nothing inside of me pulling me towards him. Many nights we sat at this table, having dinner with my mum and my sister, aching to go back to the room to continue loving one another; but not this time. I had nothing.

I didn't want to argue, but fuck perhaps we needed to.

I loved him. I did. I always had.

God, it was hard to love Zayn. It had always been. It was hard to get over his underlying arrogance and ego masturbation that was now poking its ugly head. Any other person would've called it quits way back when, but I am a fool. I am a fool in love.