For Lovers Only - [A Zarry Stylik]©️

PAIN, BLOOD & TEARS

Z,

I marched over to the bathroom and closed the door behind me. I sat on the cold floor, against the stall doors and thought about my life. The tears kept rolling and haven't stopped rolling since.

I still tasted blood in my mouth, with the wound still fresh oozing on the inside of my cheek. I wanted to sit in that pain for as long as I could so I wouldn't forget.

This situation was the consequence of my actions. This is what wanting everyone to be okay could lead to. This is what being adored and loved by two different people at the same time could look like. This is what trying to save face and minimize pain could do.

Pain, blood and tears.

It was all my fault.

How quickly could things change and how much does one have under control?

No matter how good one's intentions are or how much one might prepare, the unpredictability of the people around can turn something that was perfectly planned into a dumpster fire.

Forced to plan this separation in the best way possible. Deep down, I wanted to avoid causing Liam any more pain. I always wanted the best result, for the worst scenario possible. Not accounting for Harry, and before I knew the depth of Liam's grip on me, it weighed heavily on my heart the fact that I had broken a commitment.

Even though I was over the moon when I had my moments with my lover, with every secretive text, every secretive meeting or call. Whenever I came home after being with Harry, I'd pray that Liam wasn't around, or he was busy enough, that I could at least shower or change clothes, avoiding leaving any trace of Harry on me.

I didn't wish for unnecessary pain. The vision of a pale and cold Liam unconscious in my arms or the sound of him flipping his car was still very present. It all needed to be treated with care. When I asked for patience or time, it wasn't out of commodity, but because I needed to deliver the blow in the softest way possible. With tweezers and gloves.

Before our confrontation, I honestly believed that Liam didn't have to suffer more. My initial plan was for the separation to come as a clean break; first, take some time away from Liam, fix my relationship with Harry and be in a good place with him and then divorce Liam. I never intended for Liam to know first-hand. It was supposed to be a soft rollout. A quiet announcement, with time and pondering. Not because I was afraid, but because I wanted as little chaos as possible.

Why?

If a person is already broken inside, for whatever reason, perhaps they are wired wrong or their views on the world are askew, that doesn't mean they deserve more pain. If someone is suffering, they don't deserve to suffer more. It's unnecessary.

I looked at Liam like that. I looked at him as someone who needed to be taken care of. Protected.

Looking at it now, it was the wrong way of reacting to it because Liam never really suffered.

Liam just wanted to have his foot on my neck. Was it even love at this point or just an obsession?

None of this was right! None of them had been right!

How could I've protected someone with such a mean, manipulative and calculated way of being?

It was enough to make my stomach twirl.

I'm not free from guilt here. I know. I know! I made bad decisions throughout. Maybe I do deserve to get my face beaten into a pulp. Lesson learned. When we're talking about ego, vanity and about adoration, the lines get blurred.

Good actions for some, become bad actions for others. Intentions lose their good value along the way. One could say that's where my fine line lay: trying to do good for my husband (despite it all!) and liking the affection I got from him while swallowing the love I had for Harry. Add a little bit of ego masturbation and overall bad decisions supported by a moral ladder and you have this.