Grunt Work

Proper Gander

'Hiya, I'm Kaia,' I said, staring into the camera.

'Now just a bit more serious,' the director, Taylor, said. 'Add a little gravitas.'

I squatted down a bit and tucked my head into my chest. 'Hiya, I'm Kaia.'

'No - not - that's not what I mean,' she huffed. 'Let's try another tactic. Tell me about where we are. What's this room used for.'

'Usually laundry.'

'...you brought us to the laundry room?'

'Well it's pretty nice. The accoustics and all - I thought you might appreciate that. Also it just smells of apples from the fabric softener.'

'I was hoping you could show us a few of the more exciting places,' she paused. 'Oh you're right, it does smell like apples.'

'Not gonna lie, I used to spend a lot of time here when I first joined. I didn't have many friends.'

Taylor leaned close, pushing the microphone on a stick under my nose. 'Would you say that being part of an evil organisation is a cutthroat, lonely job?'

'Oh not at all,' I shook my head. 'I've got plenty of friends. And we're all family, here. Except for this girl I'm sweet on. We're not related; I don't do that kind of thing. We had drinks. I wouldn't say it was a date but it was definitely a date. No biggie.'

'So there's no back stabbing? No fighting for power?'

'Oh there's been plenty of fighting, but that was during the training seminar. And it was more because someone ate all the cream puffs. I don't condone violence and all, but taking all the food was not on.'

'You had a training seminar?' she asked, shocked.

'Yeah, no. It's not mandatory, but if you want a promotion you have to work for it. Got to put in effort to make effort. I don't really get the meaning of that, it was just one of those slogans they like to say. But, you know, just got to keep your skills sharp.'

'Otherwise it's time to be fed to the kraken?'

'Oh god no,' I said, appalled. 'Mr Huggles would never eat humans. He prefers sharks, to be honest. Besides, there's really not much meat on us to make us worthwhile for a lunch. Ask me how I know.'

'How do you know that?' she asked excitedly.

'Discovery channel!' I beamed. 'Yeah, we get all the streaming services here. The boss and Winnie really treat us right.'

'Winnie? You mean Winifred the Dev-'

'Oh, yeah. I just call her Winnie. She's all right. Hey, I'm hungry. Do you want to see what's for lunch today?'

'Uh.'

'Perfect. This way,' I led them to the elevator, going up a few levels to the nearest cafeteria. Because we were in the sub-levels, there wasn't really a direct path, so I took a shortcut through the Hallowed Hall. It was dark. The kind of dark that swallows light, and we were only a few steps in when the light of the camera got swallowed up. I've been through there a few times and knew my way through so it wasn't really an issue. Things tended to move in there. The walls moved. The shadows moved and followed you, and sometimes they took your own shadow away, though how you had a shadow in such a dark room, I had no clue. It can get a bit disorienting, but I find as long as you know where you are then you can find your way out, no worries. I do that by looking down to check that my body was still with me. Unfortunately the cameraman didn't seem to have done that.

'Where's Mike?!' Taylor asked once we'd come out the other end.

'He must have got lost or picked up in there,' I said. 'Shouldn't worry about it, he'll turn up in a day or two. Ohh.'

'What?' she asked frantically. 'What is it?'

'I smell pancakes.'

The pancakes were delicious. They should be. I wasn't really familiar with their names, but we have several world famous chefs here. There was a rumour going around that we'd be hosting the next season of the Great British Bake Off here. And the next season after that. And the next.

'Hey boss!' I waved at Winnie, who had just entered the cafeteria and had joined the end of the queue. I got up and bounced over to her. 'I got some friends I want to introduce you to. This is Taylor. She's the director of this documentary they're doing, covering the election campaign.'

'I am aware of this,' she told me. 'I was the one who told you to show them around.'

'Oh, yeah.'

'It's a pleasure to meet you, Winnie,' said Taylor with a nervous smile, stepping up to us.

'My name,' Winnie said slowly, as if to a cute but stupid child, 'is Winifred.'

'Yes, ma'am. Of course, ma'am,' Taylor said, shaking.

'Are you all right?' I asked, concerned. 'You're looking a bit pale.'

'Mhmm,' she said, backing away.

'Let's get some more food in you. That'll make you feel better.'

'I'm not hungry, suddenly.'

'Then let's get more food in me. That'll make you feel better too.'

We wandered around a bit, after lunch. Walking down random corridors. Taylor would point at various things. 'What's that?' she'd ask.

'Death Ray Maintenance.'

'What's that?'

'Prisoner holding.'

'What's that?'

'Crossfit.'

'What's that?'

I paused in front of the door that Taylor was pointing to. I read the name very carefully. 'Education centre.'

'What do you do there?' she asked.

I thought about my answer very carefully, thinking back to the time that man had spoken out of turn in The Abyss, only for Winnie to come in and take him away. I couldn't remember his name. Todd? He felt like a Todd. I remember the fear coming off of him like a smell. This is where he would have been taken to. A flash caught my attention and I looked down to see a bright light blinking out from the bottom of the door. It flashed slowly at first, then faster and faster - and then nothing. Todd would have been taken here.

'It's where people learn new things,' I said at last. 'Come on, I'll take you to the mosh pit.'