Grunt Work

Standards

I've always enjoyed being around animals - they're great listeners, love a good belly rub - same as me - and always up for a game or a nap. But I've never been around an animal that can talk back and because of that I was feeling a bit lost. So as I sat down on opposite the raccoon, I settled on a good, reliable conversation starter:

'Pspspsps,' I said.

'Madame, I am no house pet,' the raccoon said sternly.

'Ah, sorry, bro,' I said, then added, 'sir. Boss,' okay, not quite as reliable as I thought.

'Well, if that's all you have to say,' said the raccoon, 'I suggest you get back to work and I won't write you up for dereliction of duty.'

'Be nice, Billy,' said a higher pitched voice from the raccoon's stomach area.

'Hush, you,' said the top raccoon, Billy.

'Does she have any more nuts?' said another, slightly squeakier voice.

Billy disappeared into the trenchcoat. 'Izzy, we've been over this. I'll get some more later. Now pipe down, I'm handling this.'

While they were talking, the trenchcoat was moving quite a bit, but they stilled as I said, 'I've got a Cadbury's fruit and nut choccy bar if you want it?'

The trenchcoat stayed still, then suddenly several tiny paws on tiny arms burst from the stomach area.

'Mine!'

'Gimme!'

'I saw it first!'

'You don't see anything, you old bat.'

'Who are you calling out bat?' there was a squeak and the sound of tussling from inside the coat.

I put the bar on the table and it disappeared so quickly I wasn't sure what happened, until I heard the sound of the wrapper being torn open and the sound of munching coming from inside the coat, bits of broken off chocolate being flung out of the small stomach opening. Bit rude, I thought, for all that chocolate to go to waste, but I guess they just wanted the nuts.

I coughed. 'So, I guess I'll just go?' then I remembered why I was there. 'Oh. Ah. There's just a thing I wanted to talk to you about.'

The rummaging in the trenchcoat stopped, and Billy's head popped up again. He narrowed his eyes at me. 'And what's that? Is it that we're raccoons?'

'What? No, of course not. I don't discriminate, I'm all for immigration.'

'Then what?' he said pretty sharply.

'Well,' I hesitated. 'Earlier, I couldn't help but hear you and the others talking about-'

'We didn't steal nothing!' said the squeaky voice, Izzy.

'Quiet!' Billy addressed his stomach. 'Ginny, keep her quiet.'

'Gladly,' the other high pitched voice, Ginny, replied. I heard some muffled speaking, like someone was trying to speak but something was covering their mouth.

'Now look here,' said Billy, and one of his robot hands pointed at me. 'You didn't hear nothing about no one, you got it?'

'Yeah no,' I said, a little confused.

Billy stared at me. 'I'll never understand you Kiwis. I did not steal. Any allegations of stealing will be dealt with quite harshly and the accuser will find themselves missing.'

'That doesn't make sense. How can you find yourself missing?' I looked down, just to make sure the rest of me was still there.

'Never you mind, now mind your own business from now on. Understand?'

'Yeahhh,' no. Not gonna lie, I was pretty lost, but all the same I got up and left. Outside of his - their - office, I stood, looking at the other guards. Now I am new to this being a baddie thing, but I'm pretty sure the big boss wouldn't like someone stealing from him. On the other hand, it was the chief of security doing it, which is hardly a good example to set the others. He/they was hardly the first boss I've had to bend the rules, after all, and since he/they was the chief, they were probably allowed. Or at least someone else knew about it, and they obviously hadn't done anything about it. So maybe I shouldn't either? I walked out of the security centre. The bright screens were making my head hurt.

On my way back to Mr Huggles' pool, my leg began to hurt again, and I sat down a few minutes. I don't know how long I was there for, but as I sat I saw another guard at a door, a little way down the corridor. They looked around them, but evidently they didn't see me - which was reasonable, it's pretty dark and I was sitting in a small alcove in the wall. Then I watched as they bent over the door lock and fiddled with it. Now this was definitely not okay. I know someone picking a lock when I see one, and I started to get up - but stopped myself as they disappeared inside the room. What do I do? I'd just got told off for trying to report a robbery, and here there was someone else doing it. I looked around, hoping to see someone else who could give me advice, but there was no one. I settled back into my alcove and watched as the robber came out with a bundle of electronics, place them on the floor, then disappear back inside.

I didn't like this. I never really had much, growing up, so stealing was a sore spot for me. I'll be honest, though, and say it's not like I've never stolen anything, myself. But still. That was only ever when I needed to. This was different. We get paid, well, not much, but still plenty. I doubt the chief is hurting for money either. I doubt they needed all that tech stuff. This was a criminal organisation, you'd expect there to be some organisation of us criminals.

The thief brought out a trolley and began placing all their gear onto it. I stood, ready to step in.

I didn't. Honestly, what was the point? I'll probably just get told off again, or worse. As the thief made off with their goods, I followed. Not to catch them, but because they were heading in the same direction as I needed to go. It wasn't my problem.