I give up. |Tommyinnit angst|

1

Thursday

-TommyInnit-

I've always been curious about what happens after you die. Do you go to heaven or hell? Is it just all black like your sleeping forever? Do you become a ghost? Do you get reincarnated? It kinda scares me not knowing what happens after death.

I groan and reach for my phone when my alarm goes off, hitting the snooze button and resting for another five minutes before it goes off again. I grab my phone and turn it off.

I shield my eyes from the brightness of my phone. My eyes adjust to it and I'm reminded by my calendar that I have to stream today.

Why can't I just stay here all day? It's not like everyone actually wants me there. They're just inviting me cause they have to.

The thought of killing myself as an easy way out pops into my mind, but it always come down to something holding me back, and I've not found out what that thing is yet.

My phone buzzes, and I just want to go back to bed and not be awake right now.

I open my discord direct messages and notice Wilbur has messaged me multiple times.

What time was the stream at again? Am I late? Is he mad? Does he hate me?

I calm down and open my DM's with him.

MESSAGES WITH WILBUR:

Wilbur soot :
yo, Tommy!
hello?
tommyinnit???
you alright?
Tommyyyyy?
oml! TOMMY!

Tommyinnit:
Sorry, I just woke up Lmao.

Wilbur soot:
Jeez, I thought you were dead-
also, it's 1:34 pm you woke up this late?

Tommyinnit:
I went to bed really late so I woke up late sorry-

Wilbur soot:
no need to apologize it makes sense :)

Tommyinnit:
ok.
Wilbur soot:
Lmao?

Tommyinnit:
I just feel tired today since I've been streaming a lot lately and staying up late.

Wilbur soot:
I understand. I'm here to talk if you need it x
We all are.

Tommyinnit:
thanks, Wil. cya later during the stream! :)

Wilbur soot :
cya!

-Tommy-

Maybe he actually cares for me...?

They don't actually care.

Your just a worthless child.

No one cares about you.

You're so pathetic.

Why are you still here? It's pointless to just live every day with no meaning to this earth or anyone and anything.

You are a pathetic excuse for a human being.

I already know all this... But I can't go just yet... somethings holding me back and I need to find out what that something is.

Well till then maybe getting as close to death as you can will at least give you some purpose. Comfort. Love. Because as long as you're here, no one will provide that for you.

Right...

I get up and walk to the bathroom. When I enter the bathroom I catch my reflection in the corner of my eye. I stop and stare at myself. I look disgusting.

I reach in the cupboard under the sink and grab a razor. I sit on the floor and roll up my sleeves. Under them revealed healing cuts some were turning into scars, and others were fading away. I can't even go 1 week clean. The 'voices' are right. I am pathetic.

1... I let out a whimper from the feeling of the razor scratching my skin.

2... I don't feel much, so I press harder.

3... I press down harder and watch beads of blood trickle from it as the razor glides across my skin.

I stop myself to remain in control and not let it get out of hand. I stand up, and I start seeing black and my vision is kinda fuzzy, but I can still see.

I run my arm under cold water "SHIT!" I yelp as it stings my open wounds. After a bit it doesn't hurt as much. I wrap my arm up sloppily because I don't care enough to put it on nicely. It felt kind of tingly now. I bandage them up and throw on a hoodie to hide my wounded arm, and I walk back to the bathroom to clean up.

I clean the razor with nothing but water and put it back in the cupboard. I never feel satisfied with the damage I've done to myself. I always feel like I need to make it worse. I need to bleed more.

I remind myself that I have a stream to start, and I leave the bathroom and walk over to my desk.

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I HOPE YOU HAVE A AMAZING DAY!! MAKE SURE YOUR STAYING HEALTHY AND DRINKING WATER AND EATING! :) ALSO WHAT'RE YOUR GUYS' FAV SONGS? :D

913- words