POMEGRANATES AND TULIPS: Book 2 (Jeon Wonwoo)

05| Tolerate It

I bite my lip as I pace in my room; my mind runs in darkness. With trembling hands, I try to rearrange the bookshelf, hoping it will ease my mind. I had texted Mingyu about feeling unwell and unable to go in today, but the new material will be in his email by lunchtime. Although he assured me to rest, I insisted on working on the new material.

I looked at the new arrangement I made; I felt a sudden loneliness as I continued to arrange and clean the room. I need to keep at ease; my mind shouldn't be going further into the dark side. I bite my lip as I turn the TV on as a distraction, "Eomma! Congratulations!" I noticed the dialogue was familiar. "Oh, honey, wine? You shouldn't have," the scene and the setting is familiar, a mother and daughter sitting on a porch swing watching two little kids playing with a dog."Eomma, thank you for everything...you did a great job." The script was processed and made it to the commercial for the new wine Kim's Winery will launch.

I wrote the script based on how I think most mothers and daughters would be when having a drink together, a heart-to-heart moment. I guess Mingyu and Minghao liked it that much if it made its debut on TV. I finish fixing the bed and lay on it as the TV plays some movie before my mind can think thunder fills the quiet apartment. The sound of heavy rain pouring outside made me sit up in relief; I grabbed my cardigan and stepped out of my room. Eunseo and Hansol aren't here; they must've left already.

I walked into the living room opening the curtains a little; the rain was always comforting and soothing in ways that made me feel less afraid. I hug myself as I lean against the frame of the balcony door. I've grown to find the rain as a comfort. Growing up in a household where I spent days filled with anxiety and fear was a rough patch to get past. Those troubled memories stay in your mind. Tainted in the brain to the point your body has grown to find ways to feel defensive against anything, I look out the window, spotting Eunseo and Hansol running to shelter from the rain.

They look happy; everyone seem satisfied with their lives. The familiar white noise in my ears indicates an episode will start to happen; I bite my lip and close the blinds. My phone was ringing, but I didn't want to answer it; I could feel my heart being squeezed by the emotions. It was getting difficult to breathe steadily, and now hyperventilating was causing my head to feel light. The loudness from outside was getting to me; I rushed into the bedroom, hearing the doorbell ring. I need to be alone; I press my back against the wall by the drawer, feeling hopeless.

My hands were trembling; my body felt static. This episode wasn't the first nor the second. It was now the fifty-episode. I have had these since the age of ten, but I haven't had one recently till today. The lump in my throat was sizing up; the doorbell was getting annoying, along with my phone ringing. It was becoming too much for me that I did what anyone would do when overwhelmed; I buried my face in the palms of my head and scream for two minutes straight. Screaming always helped the episode shorten.

I lift my head, the doorbell ringing had stopped. I let my heart rate fall steady and try to breathe normally. It was warm in the room; I slipped out of my cardigan and removed the long sleeve. I sit on the carpet floor, slipping on a band tee. I crawl to the middle of the room and lay there using my cardigan as a pillow; I stare at the empty wall. I never took the chance to decorate this room the way Eunseo has her room, fitting the likes and standards of her own. I flinch at the door opening; I sit up quickly, fear washing over me. "Lizzy??" I furrowed my brows in confusion as Seungkwan was panting and trying to catch his breath.

I look at him, confused, "Seungkwan? How did you get in the apartment?" I asked. Eunseo and Hansol call from the kitchen, "Is she okay?". Realization hits, and I let out a small sigh, "I'm okay," I said. Seungkwan shakes his head, "I heard you screaming, Lizzy," He says, stepping inside my room. I forced a smile and nodded; I sit cross-legged. "I know; I was only letting out some pent-up frustration, that's all," I said. Seungkwan kneels in front of me. "You weren't answering your phone," he says; I look at him. "I'm sorry," I said; he sighs and rubs a hand over his face. "Yah, I was worried something happened," Seungkwan says, his eyes being sincere.

"I'm okay; there's no need to worry," I said. Seungkwan opened his mouth, but no words came out. His eyes were on my arms; I slipped on my cardigan, hiding my arms. "Lizzy..." The way my name came out of his lips meant one thing: pity. "Don't—" I felt taken aback as Seungkwan hugged me; I could hear sniffles from him, "I'm sorry...I didn't know..." He whispers. I feel him rub soothing circles on my back, "I never meant to question your past. I just wanted to know more about you, but now I know why you always give short answers." Seungkwan says. He pulls away from the hug, and I find myself wanting to feel warmth again.

"I... it's okay," I said. Seungkwan shook his head as he wiped away his tears. "It's not Lizzy. I should've taken the hint, but I was too oblivious." I sighed and lay back on the floor, "It's not your fault, Seungkwan. I never had people question my life before Seoul or before college." I said. Seungkwan lies next to me, "You find it strange? Is that why you never got into detail?" He asked. I sigh, "Yes, most people never ask unless they truly care." I said. "Eunseo and Hansol have asked before, but I always gave them short answers as well," I said.

Seungkwan turned his head to look at me. "And Soonyoung...he only knows half of it," I whisper. I look at him, "It's understandable; you have trouble trusting people." he says. I sighed and shrugged, "My past isn't really important to me; I would rather forget about it than be reminded." I said. Seungkwan nods, "I understand; I won't question it anymore now that you've given me a reason." He says. I smile faintly, "I could tell you and hope it could help me forget." I say. Seungkwan shakes his head, "It's okay, you don't need to." He says. I sighed.

"It's okay..." I whisper. Seungkwan sighs softly and looks at the ceiling with me. "My parents were never the kind to express their emotions very well. My mom was obsessed with perfection and suffered from bipolar disorder, but she didn't know that. My dad was an alcoholic man who enjoyed gambling; my parents were always at each other's throats. Not a day went by when they weren't fighting. I was the oldest yet the youngest with so much responsibility, and I have a brother, Dylan. He was four then, and I was eight; it was a family gathering..." I paused and looked at Seungkwan; his eyes were glossy.

"I was eight when my eighteen-year-old cousin told me to play with him," I said, feeling gross and hopeless; Seungkwan was in tears. "My mom knew, but she did nothing; my dad was too drunk to remember. When I turned twelve, I accidentally told the school counselor, who had me go to a therapist; I thought things would get better, but they got worse." I said, my gaze never left Seungkwan as he sobbed quietly.

"My mom spent her afternoons teaching me a lesson for consulting 'our' problems with a stranger; I had read about self-harm in an online article and thought to myself that maybe numbing myself could prevent me from feeling more pain. Eventually, I began to. My therapist only caught up with what I was doing...Seungkwan I have never once heard someone be diagnosed with so many disorders that day." I said. Seungkwan turned to look at me; his eyes were watery. "After high school graduation, I decided to run away because I couldn't take it anymore. I don't regret doing it, but I do regret leaving my brother behind." I whisper.

I kept it short and simple for Seungkwan; I didn't want to get more into detail. "My diagnosis depression disorder, PTSD, bulimia, and anxiety disorder. My life was never easy, but I managed." I whispered. Seungkwan sits up; I look at him and sit up. "Lizzy..." He whispers; I was welcomed by the warmth again. This time, I wrap my arms softy around his torso and sob quietly, "Today was supposed to be my day to relax my mind, but this is better." I whisper. Seungkwan cries but lets out a small chuckle.