A Distant Memory

Chapter 28 - Don't follow you heart.

I took a day off after the gala, I needed time to myself to think.

Think what I really wanted; think if I was ready to move on.

I had a dream that night, I dreamt about what would happen if I let go and went with Marko, and I also dreamt about what happened if I didn't. If I let go I was happy, laughing and that feeling of being always observed was... gone. If I didn't? I would always regret that decision, the twelve months would be over and I'd hate myself for not following my heart.

I had it clear, I knew what I had to do. I just needed time to think it really well, what this would mean for our career and what it would mean for Rose. 

So I did that. I made a little bag with my lunch and a few snacks, took a beach towel, a bikini, a spare change of clothes and headed to the beach.

I knew how to get there by heart now, when I have to duck because of a tree, or when there is a lifted root coming out of the floor that I would trip with, I knew in which spots -despite the weather- there is always some sort of mud, and what little animals I could find.

The animals being little rabbits and things of the sort, nothing dangerous.

I finally arrived at the little beach, I always liked to take my shoes off and step into the warm sand with bare feet. It felt calming and cleansing, I always relaxed and just lay on the sand.

I never thought I would feel this way about sand. I chuckled, it was a bit chilly now, maybe I'd get into the water later.

I unpacked everything neatly but avoided the beach towel because - as I just said - I love laying on the sand.

I spread out there, basking in everything, and I slowly felt myself drifting off to sleep.

Isn't it a funny concept? we get random images and we assume that there is a meaning, when there's not. I like to think that there actually is.

That dreams are a sign, they help us choose what's right and what's wrong, they clear our head and make us follow our hearts. Which is what I should do, but my brain is against it. So I'll let my heart decide, I'll let my heart show me what to do.

Up to then, I was following the logical and professional path, but I thought that I had to turn back and take a new one; the one of emotion and happiness.

- 

I woke up calmly, it was a bit hotter but no big deal, I checked my phone and it was twelve. I had made up my mind. I was going to confess to Anderson. I was going to let go.

I called Maria and had her give me his address, she told me that this was the right thing, and for once; I believed her.

I wish I hadn't.

I sloppily packed everything back and after I made sure I wasn't forgetting anything; I left.

I blasted music and sang to the top of my lungs; sang because I knew that I was choosing happiness. I chuckled to myself, I finally followed my heart.

I arrived to his house and told his security who I was, they let me through without a second thought and I almost crashed my car while parking. I basically ran to the door, I was surprised when I saw it open. I worried; was he okay? was he hurt?

I pushed the door open and inspected his house, it was modern and had different tones of whites and grays, I chuckled to myself; of course that this was his house.

I went up the stairs and found a door half opened, my heart dropped when I saw the inside of the room, more like what was going on inside the room.

Anderson was fucking another woman, a gorgeous one at that. My excited and true smile turned into a frown; confusion.

He thought all that about me and there he was, with a woman ten times hotter than me. My insecurities multiplied by a thousand, I dropped my bag. This already happened before with Rowan and that stupid girl with his stupid Florida t-shirt in his stupid house.

"I'll burn it"

"Row, no. It's fine, I-" he cut me off, "No, it's not fine, Olivia. I betrayed you, that t-shirt is a reminder of it, I see how your mood changes when you see it, so I'll burn it"

I shook my head, it wasn't that necessary. "But you love that t-shirt" I looked down at my hands to avoid eye contact. He cupped my face and gently made me look at him, "You're crazy if you think that I rather keep a t-shirt than you" he threw the shirt into the campfire.

I was relieved, he knew what I couldn't tell him. It has always been this way, and it'll always be that way.

"Olivia?"

The other woman was covering herself with a blanket, Anderson wrapped a towel around his torso. "I- I'm sorry for interrupting" I muttered. I quickly grabbed the things I dropped and left.

I started walking, I heard steps approaching me, I started to run. I felt a tear sliding down my face. 

It was a weird feeling, but it felt as if the world had decided that I should be deprived of oxygen, I felt as if I was only being held together by a thick red liquid that we call blood.

Then and there, the whole world went black. There was a knot in my stomach and as soon as the fresh air hit my face, I threw up. But I couldn't throw up the hurt that invaded me everywhere, every part of my being was attacked. I was weak and dumb.

I never should've followed my heart. From then on, that part of me is locked away for good. I will make the logical decisions that I have to. I am not a child and I can not keep this childish, immature acts up.

Just as I finished throwing up, Anderson grabbed my arm and forced me to turn to him. "Why did you come here?" he asked, pity in his eyes. "Don't touch me" I wiggled out of his grip and tripped a bit back. I lost my balance and fell to the floor.

"This was a mistake..." I muttered to myself, and I was right. It was a mistake to think that something could ever happen between the two of us. "What? Oli-" he tried to help me up, I crawled back and sloppily stood up, "Don't call me that" my voice broke. "I shouldn't have come, go back to that... woman. She's waiting"

I could tell that he heard me by how hurt he looked, he watched me like a hawk. His sharp eyes soft and vulnerable. I was a sobbing mess when I got into the car. My mascara was runny and I caught a glimpse of him staring at my broken self.

He speed-walked towards my car and I got out of his property as fast as I coul, my hands were shaking and I had to stop the car because I was scared that I was gonna crush it. I called the one person that I trust more than no one:

"What's up?" she asked with a groggy voice, I was gasping for air. "Olivia? Where are you?" I heard ruffling from the other line. I sent her my location, I could not speak. 

"Stay there, I'm going. Don't hung up"

I hung up, I cried and cried until I couldn't anymore.