To Love Or Not To Love

Chapter 28

ZIYANDA

It's been three months and one week since I separated with Mnotho. It hasn't been easy and it's been worse since I had also detached myself from Zimbini. But at least, her and I fixed things two weeks after I had acted up.

"Mngani phela angeke ukhone ukuhlala wedwa ungana mngani ongakhuluma naye. (Friend you can't just isolate yourself and not have any friend to talk to.) You have to let me in now or else you won't get any better." Is what she said to me when she came around to my place one weekend.

I could tell that she had had enough of my shit and had decided that enough was enough. I'm grateful she did that though because ever since then, I've grown to appreciate her even more. Her persistence actually led me to opening up to her as to what really made me angry about what Mnotho said to me.

On the weekend of the getaway, I actually told him about my childhood and why I am used to being isolated. It is a bit of a tragic story so that's why  every time it is mentioned, it sets off my emotions time and time again.

When I was young, I think I was 8 years old at the time and my younger sister Zenande was 3 years old,  she fell inside a pool and drowned. I remember that day like it was yesterday simply because I was with her when it happened. I blame myself all the time because I feel like I could have done something to save her.

My mom was around the house when it happened and she had left my sister and I in the living room to watch some cartoons. But my younger self forced my sister to go outside and play a little before mom could restrain us from going. Little did I know that, that was the day I'd lose my darling sister.

She was a beautiful girl...and contrast to me though, she was what we South Africans describe as a yellow bone( meaning she was just light skinned).
Beautiful set of teeth and a smile that lit up a room. Although we had the same pair of eyes.I loved her and I just can't stop thinking how her death could have been avoided if we just stayed put.

But then her death caused a rift between my parents. They started fighting regularly with dad blaming my mom for my sister's death. I couldn't even stop the fights even though I knew very well that it was I, who killed my sister. Things got worse to the point where dad decided to up and leave.

I was at school that day and when I came back home, my mother was in tears as she told me dad went on a work 'trip'. He had left with all his belongings and left behind only divorce papers for mom. And that I only found out about when I was in my teens. This made me resent myself and I could only see myself as a curse, isiqalekiso.

I told Mnotho that the reason I don't even allow myself to get to know someone better, let alone fall in love with them, is that I'm scared they might leave me too. Leaving me in a sense of, choosing to not be a part of me or by death. I didn't want to put myself in such a situation ever again. If my father and sister could leave my mom and I, who was I to guarantee that such never happens again.

The reason I'm so mad at him is because I took him as my confidant. He had proven to be such an empathetic person and I thought he would be the most careful with what I share with him. What he did proved that with whatever we might go through he might turn around and use it back to me. I don't know if I can still trust him after this.

I'm currently at home visiting my mom for the festive season. You would think after months of not seeing me, she'd want to pamper me...but no, not my mom. She woke me up earlier today and said we had to wash the windows; sweep the yard and wash blankets.  I mean I only got here a day ago...is all this necessary.

She says if I want to get married then I needed to start practicing. I don't know if I should burst her bubble and tell her that it's the 21st century and marriage is not something every woman wants. Sigh. She'd probably strangle me to death though.

*************

It's later in the day, and we've done all of the household chores, bathed and cooked. We are now just relaxing watching TV together.

"So kuhamba njani kuwe no Mnotho? Awuka xoli namanje? (So how is it going between you and Mnotho? Have you nit forgiven him yet?)" My mom asks randomly, putting me in the hot seat.

"Cha make...uyazi kuthi ngifeel.a njani ngaye kwamanje. (No mom...you know how I feel about him for now.) I reply casually.

"But my child, you can't carry all that hate or that grudge in you. You need to let go so you can also find peace and more especially because this is someone you love." She says looking at me. Love? What the...?

"Make...I don't love..."
"Don't try to convince me what I want. I know what I'm saying and I know a person in love when I see one. You just have to let all that anger go because let's be honest, you're not really mad at Mnotho. You are mad at your father for leaving you. He left because he wanted to...it was never your fault my baby. You just need to let people in your life, live your life the right way with people who show you love." What a mouthful she's said.

After that she leaves me in my thoughts as she goes to her "friend"... I wonder what friend that is because last I checked, she didn't have any.

But what she said is right though. I had already expected Mnotho to leave me or do something wrong so I can have a reason to push him away. That thing with his ex was not enough for me to even be that dramatic. Yes, dramatic...I said it.

I had already set him up for  failure before actually giving him an opportunity to love me fully and I to him. I need to let go of all of this and learn to love him, wholeheartedly.  I need to give him my all and not hold back. It's just that I'm so used to not letting anyone in so much that I have built these walls around my heart to protect myself from getting hurt.

I need to remind myself that Mnotho is not my dad and that I should not paint him with the same brush. Mnotho is Mnotho and besides our last encounter, he had been nothing but the best to me. First step to letting go is by actually doing something meaningful.

I grab my phone from the table and look at the message he sent me this morning.

'Hi my love. I hope you're well.I still love you so much and I can't wait for us to finally fix things.' It reads.

He has been sending messages since the eencounter and this just goes to show that he's very patient with me and that he really does love me. The least I could do is try and meet him half way so that we can fix things. I still have to address what happened though and how it made me feel.

I should also apologize for swearing at him, that was not ladylike...but who cares. The swearing I don't regrer but then I'll do anything to get me vitamin D. Lol.

I send him a text that says, "Hi. I'm well and I  hope you're doing good as well." Deep sigh.

I put the phone back on the table and rest back on the couch to finish off the movie I'm watching. I hope tomorrow is a better day than today.