To Love Or Not To Love

Chapter 40

ZIYANDA

Exhausted doesn't begin to describe how I feel right now. Work has been hectic and I barely get time to just relax and think. Things have got to a point where we take our PC's home with us so we can try and finish some of the tasks we've been having.

Mark is always breathing down our necks now and we've been redoing some of the things over and over.  He finds the smallest details to just derail our progress because he wants everything to be perfect. Apparently this project from Mnqobi's company could put our name on the map.

He said that he doesn't want anything to put Mnqobi off when we get to do our presentation and how we plan on making sure we get more clients for his insurance company. And also, if this presentation is a success and we get to sign Mnqobi's company as our own, we have a great chance getting to sign his other family companies as well.

I can tell that Mark is taking this very seriously and I think maybe he was promised a higher paying position if all goes well with this deal. Too bad assumptions don't work and since I don't have any friends here to gossip about with this, I'll keep my thoughts to myself.

We are all just putting more effort into making this work. I think I speak for all of my colleagues when I say that, we are drained and just need a break. I'm hoping that once all this is done, we can maybe get a day off to recuperate. We have one more week to finalise this pitch and we're all just hoping for the best.

So about Mnqobi, I last saw him when Mnotho found me with him. It's been three weeks since that happened and I'm really grateful I haven't seen him since. I know I have to be professional when I see him, because I know for sure he'll want to come here himself and not send any executives.

I still haven't gotten over what he said though...it really scared me. I now feel like I have become paranoid and that I am always being watched. I haven't told Mnotho about how I feel because then he'd be overbearing and always want to be around me.

I really love how much he cares but sometimes he can get a little bit too much. So I guess this is something I have to keep to myself for now. This has made me more observant though and whenever I  walk I make sure to take in my surroundings. Yes, I walk from time-to-time when I have to take a taxi home.

Of course my boyfriend was not happy when I decided to use taxi's again every now and then but, I had to remind him that I don't have a car of my own. I said that because it's true and I don't want to get used to something that is not mine and I have no idea of how long it will last.

Relationship problems are something I am yet to get used to. That disagreement between us is something I hope we don't have to go through again. He is a sentimental person but I don't think I'd change him for anyone else...well for now at least.

Sigh.

I should just get back to my job. I wish I had a rich father who was present in my life and then I'd get to spend all my days at home. I'd sip on some wine or maybe champagne, depending on the mood for that day. Well those are just dreams...and it's time I stop day-dreaming at work.

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It's after work and I just got back to my place....with Mnotho of course. Like I said, he wants to be by my side most of the time. I don't want to seem rude but it's getting a little suffocating. I don't know how to tell him this without sounding offensive. I know this is a bit of a contrast to my statement from earlier on but, I can't help but feel this way.

I want to plan Zim's baby shower properly and I don't think I can do it with him here. I want to make it special for her since this is her first child and also because she always puts others first and herself last. She deserves everything great and I'm happy that Nkanyezi decided to do right by her and put a ring on it.

She told me he proposed while they were in bed and till date, he hasn't bought a ring. Their engagement party is coming up soon and well let's just say, a little birdie told me that he'll give her a ring at the party. Yeah Mnotho can't keep secrets and he told me this immediately when he got back from a night-out with the gents.

I think I'll do the baby shower two weeks after the engagement party. I don't want these events clashing and I want her to be able to celebrate both without feeling too tired or stressed. I still have to compile a guest list and that is going to be a bit challenging because she doesn't have that much friends.

Now back to my "home invasion"... he's still watching soccer in the living room and  drinking beer. One thing I like about him though, is that he's able to keep his distance when he realizes that I need some space. I still don't enjoy that he's this near though but I think he gets it.

I'm looking for baby shower ideas on the internet and there are so many, I don't even know which one to settle on. I think I'll know which one is better once I finalise the number of people who'll be attending. Though, there is this one that caught my attention and I just keep on thinking how cute it will look once I get it set up.

It is a pie bar where there are different flavours of pies placed on some sort of a stand. The idea is amazing really and it's something I want there. But the whole aim of this event is so that the mother enjoys herself and that it is something she'd want at her event. Since I have to think out of the box, I'll have to get into Zim's mind and think...What Would Zim Want?

Sigh. This is stressing me out and maybe I should put it aside for now and get back to it after this work "crisis" I'm in. I don't know why I'm putting so much stress on myself when I could be getting some rest. I close all the tabs I had opened in the browser and switch off the PC.

I go to the living room to spend "quality" time with my lover. It's not so much of quality time because well...we are always together except when we are working. One day when the time is right, I will tell him how I feel but for now I'll enjoy being with him. Every time I think about doing it though, I chicken out becase when we were at his place he treated me good.

He went above and beyond to make my stay comfortable and to my liking. I feel like a selfish person and I am conflicted between doing what's right for him or myself. I think this is all because I've never been in such a situation.

I know how to love, that I do know how to really well. The trouble starts when I have to believe that someone else can love me just as much. I am struggling to truly believe that he loves me as much as he says he does. Not only has he said it, but he's proven time and again that he really means what he says with his actions.

I don't know what more I want from him because I don't think there's anything more he can do to show me that. Maybe I need to see a therapist to deal with my abandonment issues. I don't think I want to push him away from me and I'm afraid I won't get someone else who'll be patient with me as he has been.

I really need to deal with my issues so that I don't lose people I've grown to love and respect. It's time I face my fears and try and work on myself to be better.

"Hey baby." I say to you know who as I reach where he's seated. We share a short kiss as I settle comfortably beside him.

"Hii my love. I missed you so much." He says and I roll my eyes at that statement. This missing me business is yet to bore me but I guess these are things I can talk to my therapist about.

"Missed you too. So what are we watching?"

"Manifest. It's really interesting and this is only the second episode of the first season. You'll be able to catch on if you pay attention.." He says.

I smile and nod my head, I slump down on his shoulder as I get comfortable. This has to work, it's my last attempt to be a better person for this big-headed man of mine.

A few minutes watching this and I agree that it is interesting. Maybe I'll make this a thing...for us to have things we will watch together. I guess I'll watch one more episode before retiring to sleep.