To Love Or Not To Love

Chapter 39

MNOTHO

Everybody has flaws and I, for one, am not immune to them. I am able to admit and point out my imperfections because I am after all, only human. How I handled the situation with Ziyanda is by far the most childish thing I can admit to have done.

I could have handled the situation differently but I had to remove myself from it as soon as I could. I have serious anger issues that I developed when I got hurt from my first serious relationship. It got bad to the point where I would just lash out on anyone in sight.

It was only verbal at first, I mean the lashing out. Then it got physical once when Sabelo came over to talk to me. I was still having a depression episode at that point and had shut everyone out. So he came that day to try and talk to me and I don't know at what point he said something that pissed me off. I jumped on him and just started throwing blow after blow at him, it was gruesome scene and I still wonder how he was able to forgive me after that.

I went to a therapist after that whole incident as my family and friends suggested. I didn't want to at first but after a lot of convincing and emotional blackmail from my mom, I went. It seemed to be working for a while until I had a huge outburst at work with one of my employees.

I knew at that point that I had to try a different approach and when I told my therapist about this, he suggested boxing. It helped out a lot and I've been using it as my coping mechanism since then. I get to release all the tension, anxiety and stress I had inside me all this time.

Whenever I feel like a situation is getting too much for me, I head to the gym. This has been working very well for me and that's what I felt I needed when I found Yanda in that suspicious position with that man. I have never told her this and I think that's my fault.

I should have told her I still have anger issues and that when I get in that state, I need to blow off some steam. Well that "steam blowing" turned into a 4 mire days situation. I asked her if we could talk about this properly on Friday and today is that day. Being nervous cannot begin to describe how I felt today.

I am nervous about how today will pan out. I am scared that I'll find out she doesn't want me anymore and that she has found comfort in the hands of another man. That's what happened with my last two serious relationships and I don't know if I can stand such heartbreak again.

I have to face facts...that guy is maybe 5% better looking than me. I know I should try and keep my feelings in check but I can't after all the betrayal I've been accustomed to. I really hope it is not what it looks like.

**************

I've just picked up Ziyanda from work, there's so much tension between us. Ever since that encounter, I continued fetching her from work but we haven't been talking or being affectionate as we usually are. We just greet each other and say goodbye when we've arrived at the destination.

I don't like this at all but my paranoia still has the best of me. She's sitting next to me but it feels like she's far from me. No kisses or hugs for so many days...I feel like I'm drowning.  I can't help but blame my trust issues...it wouldn't have been this way if only I trusted her. I'm starting to wonder if our relationship is realky based on love because how else is it going to work without ne trusting her.

I don't know if she'll see me the same way or have any trust in me if my thougts are wrong. I love Yanda and I defintely don't want to lose her to anything. I'm hoping we'll be able to solve this today and just get it over and done with. We have arrived at my place and I drive my car into the garage so I can park it properly.

With no words exchanged between us, we head inside the house. She turns on the house lights and discards her blazer on the sofa. She looked really beautiful today...she was wearing a little black dress  with a red blazer on, and a pair of short boots. She looked really hot and if we were on great terms, I would have her bent over the couch and taking it from behind.

We have more important matters to deal with right now and I just want us to be okay again. She settles down on the couch and lets out a deep breath. She looks tired and I'm pretty sure this matter has been taking a huge strain on her. I did not mean to upset or stress her, but I really can't help it when it comes to our relationship.

I take a seat next to her as she puts her feet on top of my thighs.  I can't get myself to remove them because, besides all of this shit we've been experiencing, she's my girlfriend and I love. Aftet a few minutes of just sitting she tells me what really happened that day.

I feel really bad for being dramatic about a situation that could have been dealt with there and then. She explained how she Mnqobi was a one night stand and that he promised he'll make her "his". That to me feels like a threat and I have no choice but ask Qaphela to get some of his men to look out for anything suspicious.

Q is a CEO for a security company that he started years ago. I'm proud of what he's created for himself and now I finally get to ask for assistance from him. He's good at what he does and many of his clients can attest to that.

Not to say that I think Mnqobi would go to extreme measures to be with Yanda but it's better ti be safe than sorry. One should always take notice of such comments because it could really be a threat. I love my girlfriend and I don't want anything bad happening to her.

We're now lying on my bed after a very passionate setion of love making. It was the only way to make sure she forgives me  immediately. She is about to snooze off and it's only fair I express how much I love and appreciate her before she goes to LalaLand.

"My love??" I say to her.

"Yes baby..?" She replies.

"I'm really sorry for how I acted about this situation.  I promise to try and do better from now on. I love you and only you, okay!?"

She let's out a deep sigh and says, " Yeah baby...I forgive you. I love you too and I hope things will get better from now on." I can tell she seems a little bit hesitant as she says this...maybe she still has her doubts about me. But that's okay because I promise to prove to her that I can do and be better.

"Night stufuza sami( ...my plumped woman.)"

She chuckles and says, "Night sthandwa. (...love.)"

Yeah...now I can rest!