Where the Skies are Blue

Chapter Thirty-Six:

I've spent the last twenty-four hours trying to convince myself that losing my virginity to Hunter isn't a big deal. In the moment, it didn't feel like it. In all actuality, it was extremely underwhelming, disappointing, and painful.

All this hype, all this pressure—over that? Over something I wanted to be over as soon as it started. Is that normal? Does everyone feel this way afterwards?

I'm scared of him telling everyone. Of him and his friends talking about him. Of him repeating to them what he told me. The words that broke me in half and crushed any last remaining pieces of me from before.

You're a pathetic fucking cunt, Auden. There's so much I can say about you, like how fucking unattractive you are naked. Of course, Raven was better. So was Wednesday, and every other girl compared to you. Look at you.

His words destroyed me. Making me shrivel into myself. I feel disgusted with myself. Completely used and inexplicably unhappy. So unhappy that I have not left my bed within those twenty-four hours besides to use the bathroom and shower until my skin felt raw. Attempting to scrub myself of the filth I felt. I can't scrub away my thoughts. I can't scrub away the cruel words that play on a loop inside my mind.

My boyfriend said those words to me. Someone I care about. Someone I've given so much to. I would never say something so horrible to anyone, especially my boyfriend. How can he be so horrible? How can he say and do such awful things and have zero remorse? He's supposed to love me, take care of me, look after me.

When I go back to school tomorrow, will everyone know? What if everyone calls me a slut? What if everyone laughs at how pathetic I am. The girl who had sex with her boyfriend despite knowing he cheated on her.

The way he laughed at me after. The way he made fun of my body. The way he compared me to Wednesday and Raven. Confirming that he cheated on me, even though he made me feel fucking crazy for even asking if he did just before.

What if he leaves me now? What if he got what he wanted from me, and now he's done with me?

Another conquest. Another girl he can slut shame.

There's a quiet knock on my door. The last person I want to see is Katherine. She only makes me feel worse about myself.

I pull my covers over my head, trying to hide from the world.

"Auden?" Henry's voice enters my room. "Are you okay?"

I squeeze my eyes shut, hoping he'll leave. I don't want to be bothered. I want to be left alone. I want to lay in bed forever, pretending the outside world doesn't exist.

Eventually, my door closes again, with Henry giving up and leaving me be.

I hate my life. I hate myself.

My eyes grow misty. Squeezing them shut tightly, I try to stop myself from crying because I've done enough of that since I moved here.

***

I fold my arms across my chest, trying to hide how shaky they are. So far, people don't seem to be looking at me any differently than they did before the weekend. Maybe Hunter hasn't told anyone. Maybe I've been overthinking the whole thing.

I don't know where I stand with Hunter, as we haven't spoken since that night. I don't know what I want anymore. I'm not even sure if I can take feeling like this any longer. I'm reaching my breaking point. Yet he knows how to suck me back in every time.

I'm so tired. Physically and mentally.

Nervously, I glance over at the stairs where Hunter and his friends always hang out before class starts. As usual, they're all there. Goofing off and chatting. I debate continuing to walk, ignoring their existence altogether. I'm not sure if I can do this today. I wish I could escape for a month.