Where the Skies are Blue

Chapter Fifty-Four:

Knocking lightly on Henry's office door, I hear him shuffle around in the room before announcing I can come in.

Inside, my eyes look nervously around the room. Everywhere but at him. The wall behind his desk is painted a dark green. There's an olive tree in the corner, and a large antique portrait takes up the wall to my right. A brown leather accent chair sits adjacent to the olive tree. His office reminds me of a vintage New York office. He should be sitting at his desk with a cigar leaning out of his mouth and roaring 1920s flapper music playing on a record.

Anxiously, I bring myself over to the leather chair and sit down, crossing one leg over the other. My hands fold into my lap.

"Where did you go last night?" Henry asks me, then quickly adds. "I know it's not my business, I just... I was nervous after our conversation. You've been gone a lot more lately. Are you and Hunter back together?"

I scoff. "God no. Never."

"Is everything okay then? Where did you run off to last night?" He leans his back against the desk, his arms folding across his chest.

"I was with Ender." Not a complete lie. I did stay the night at his house.

Henry's eyebrows raise. "Ender Gray?"

"One of the many, apparently."

"Huh," He looks surprised, just as everyone else always does when I mention my friendship with Ender. "Wow, okay. Are you two...?" His voice trails off.

I shake my head. "We're just friends, but we do kiss a lot, so there's that."

He clears his throat. "Uh, well, Ender's a good kid. Doesn't talk at all, but he's always been respectful. I feel guilty; I haven't spoken to him at all since his sisters passed. I'm sure you know about that?"

"I do."

"Tragic. The town hasn't been that kind to him since the incident. Myself included. I should've checked on him." He waves his hand at me. "Anyways, what can I help you with? Did you need something or just want to chat?"

Just ask him. Do it. This is the moment I've waited for my whole life. To know my dad. To meet him and find out all the similarities we have. To do all the things that fathers and daughters are meant to experience together.

I look at Henry, really look at him. His peppered-colored hair. His eyes resemble freshly brewed coffee. So maybe our eyes don't look the same. But we both have brown hair. Our smiles are similar. We laugh at the same jokes. We're both patient. I look for more similarities between us, more characteristics that connect me to Henry.

"Auden?" Henry asks me, his eyebrows scrunching together. "Is everything okay?"

"Uh, I mean, maybe. I kind of wanted to ask you something." I sit up in the chair. My heart is suddenly pounding in my chest. My hands grow clammy, and I stick them under my thighs. What if I'm completely wrong? I could be so desperate that I'm reaching for any sort of hope. I'm scared.

I so desperately want him to be my father. But maybe it's too good to be true?

I suck in a lungful of air. I need to know. "Are you my real father?" I ask him, the words tumbling out of my mouth, and once they're out there, they float up into the air, leaving a silence between us.

Henry looks surprised at first, then very quickly his expression turns into pity. I watch him as he approaches me slowly and crouches on the ground in front of me. "Auden, where is this coming from?"

Tears begin to prick my eyes, and I inhale sharply. "Well, it just makes sense. Why you invited us to stay here when you didn't even know us and how kind you've been to me, and I don't know, I was just really hoping maybe you were."

"Auden," he sighs. "I'm really sorry, but I'm not your father."

My heart breaks into shambles all over the floor. My brain won't accept it. "You can tell me if you are. Does Katherine not want me to know? Maybe you don't know if you are? Don't you think it makes sense?" I ask desperately. I'm talking fast. I can't seem to shut up.

"I'm sorry," He places a hand on my knee and gives it a squeeze. "I was happily married to my ex-wife, and I've never been to Arizona before. I'm not your father, Auden, and I'm sorry; I don't know who your father is. Katherine has never mentioned anything about him to me."

A single tear escapes from my eye, and I quickly swat it away, banishing it from existence. I sit up straighter and stare straight ahead. "I was just hoping there might be a possibility, but I never should have said anything. That was stupid. I'm an idiot to have even thought—"

"Auden, look at me," he says, and I'm too embarrassed to look over at him. "You're not an idiot. It wasn't stupid. This whole situation has been confusing and abrupt, so it makes sense why you thought that. I'm sorry, I'm not your real father, but I hope maybe one day you can see me as a father figure in your life."

I nod quietly.

I was wrong. Completely fucking wrong. What a moron. Ender tried telling me. I didn't want to listen. I was so convinced. Of course he's not my fucking dad. Why the hell would he be my dad? Complete idiot.

I rise from my chair and nod quickly."Well, now that that's cleared up." I attempt to joke, but it falls flat. My voice cracks.

He looks at me like I'm a sad, lost puppy. "I know you're disappointed—"

"Not...not at all." I force a smile. "I'm going to take a nap and pretend this never happened." I want to slap a hand over my face. I make my way out of his office as quickly as I can and hurry up the stairs to my room, where I call Ender, begging him to come over immediately so I can kiss him until my brain shuts off.

At least a better coping mechanism than drinking myself until I'm a blacked-out sloppy mess.