SCARS

ELEVEN

~Recap~

Conner had slowly fallen asleep while I was thinking. I stood from the bed, careful not to wake him, and covered him with a deep purple throw blanket that was folded up in my closet. He quickly curled up and feel even further asleep.

Then I thought more about what dreams were like.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Saturday night Conner stayed at my house. He was asleep most of the time but I was happy he was sleeping. He didn't look like he had slept since he met me, which worried me. It worried me that maybe he was up every night worrying about me. Worrying that maybe I was thinking about dying. About killing myself because I hated being alive.

I sat in the floor beside the bed as he slept. I stayed there until my mother brought in a couple quilts and three or four arm fulls of pillows. It was pretty much my bed but a little more compacted.

I had rested my head on the pillow for about four minutes before I heard Conner laughing. "Now you're the one that is staying awake because of the thoughts of love," he whispered.

I turn my head to look at him. "I'm not thinking of love. I'm just thinking."

The light from the hall coming underneath the bottom of my door reflected off his eyes. Conner had his head rested on his arm and he was looking at me like most of the guys that weren't on the football team looked at girls. Like they were their whole world.

My voice appeared again. She was quiet and sounded far, far away.

Maybe you are...Maybe you aren't...

As she spoke it sounded like she was fading. I ignored it. I was probably just a little tired and that's what's causing her to sound that way.

Conner had sat up by the time I had finished thinking. He started to climb off the bed and sat down on my pallet beside me. I took his hand and he smiled down at me. "I'm sorry, Stella," he whispered.

I just nodded. Maybe if I just agreed he would feel okay. Then he rested his head beside mine and looked at the fake glow of the fake stars on my ceiling. "Why do we keep doing this?" I asked.

"Doing what?" He asked, wrapping his arm around me.

"This. We never do anything. We're always laying here or you're doing amazing things that make me wonder why I haven't grabbed your face and kissed you already," I admitted.

I blushed instantly and tried hiding my face. "Sorry."

"No. No more apologizing." I tried to say something but was cut off by Conner, who had kissed me.

And I didn't shove him away this time. And he wasn't holding my face like he was the first time.

This is what infinity feels like.

My voice wasn't listening or preferred not to comment. I had my mind to myself for a little while. I had time to think. I could think about the way Conner's arm was holding neck and propping himself up on his elbow. Or the way that his lips were causing mine to go numb. And his hand on my hip. It felt like it was normal. One of the very few normal things in my life.

And I never wanted it to end.

"Don't leave when I fall asleep. Please," I begged.

"I don't have anywhere I would rather be."
++++++++++++

Conner held me until I fell asleep. He must have wrapped us in my quilt off my bed to keep us warm because I woke up early and we were wrapped in it. I eventually fell back to sleep around seven thirty.