SCARS

THIRTEEN

~Recap~

I let myself cry until my eyes were on fire and my cheeks were puffy and gross. I got up and caught a glimpse of myself in the screen of my laptop. I hated the person reflected back at me.

Who am I?
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Over the next few days I stayed at home. I spent most of my time in my room, watching the briuses on my face turn from a gray purple color to a green yellow and then disappear. About forty percent of my stomach was covered in black and deep purple bruises caused by those blonde bimbos' perfect white tennis shoes. They weren't going away and the only way I could lay down was on my back.

Conner came over every afternoon and checked them too. He stayed Wednesday night and missed his first class Thursday morning to make me a bowl of cereal and make sure that I ate every last bite because I haven't been eating for about a week. When he left for school, I went to bed after a long battle with myself about whether or not I should go force the cereal out of my system.

Friday Conner came over after school and checked on my bruises. "Have you had any trouble sleeping?" he asked when I had made myself a small sandwhich so he didn't have to get up and force me to eat. "No. I have to sleep on my back but I'm fine other than that." He nodded but stood and pressed on different places on my stomch any way. I didn't have to force myself to keep from wincing. The briuses were actually starting to heal. Not much but it was enough that I wasn't in pain every time I moved. "Do you think you will be at school next week?" he asked a second qustion. I shrugged, not sure.

It got really quiet and all that was happening was Conner was staring at me in a very worried manner and I was trying not to pay atention to the fact that he was looking at me at all while I was eating. To get out of his line of vision, I walked over to the couch and sat down. He turned though and looked at me. "I'm going to stop eating if you continue to stare at me as I eat." I informed him. The odd serious expression on his face instantly faded and he smiled. I threw my hands up in the air and Conner laughed. "Yay! Smiles!!" I shouted. I forced another fake smile onto my face like I have since Conner got here. I was having a bad day again and I didn't want Conner to know. I didn't wake up until two thirty and I layed in bed until Conner knocked on the front door.

I told myself that I wasn't going to cut at all. Conner had seen the cuts on my hips when he had found me in the hallway on Monday. He would know if I added more. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt to hide the cuts on my wrists and Conner didn't notice my change in wardrobe. When I finished my sandwhich I clapped my hands together to get the bread crumbs off and Conner came to sit beside me. "Stella, you don't have to hide when you're hurting."

The smile slowly fell from my face, letting what Conner had just said sink in. "Okay." I let my wall come down and rested my head on his shoulder. He kissed the top of my head and gingerly slid his arm around my waist.

"What's wrong?"

I shook my head, not knowing exactly how to answer. "I don't know. Sometimes I wake up in the morning and just don't want to live anymore. It might last a few hours. It might last a few days," I answered honestly.

"How long has this one lasted?"

"Just today. The usual sign that something is wrong is I wake up really late in the afternoon."

I felt him nod and everything was silent. He didn't ask anymore questions and I didn't say anything else. I didn't move at all and the only movement from Conner was when he occasionally rubbed my back. My mom came home from work early and Conner and I went to my room, tryng to ignore the fact that she was already stumbling, signaling she probably went to a bar instead of the banking company that she had almost been fired from seven times because she hadn't come to work in over than three days.

She didn't come back to my room at all. I was relieved that Conner was with me. I was happy that he had his arms around me. I felt protected for the first time since my dad left.
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I woke up the next morning and Conner wasn't there. I figured he had gone home so I got up and started to get dressed for the day. I looked at my hair in my reflection on my phone camera and decided to put it up in a bun. I turned the knob on my bedroom door and tried opening it. It refused to open. "Mom! My door won't open!" I shouted. "Stell, let the door knob go." Conner's voice came from the other side of the door.

I let go of the door knob and Conner opened the door. He was holding a bowl of cereal in one hand and a glass of orange juice in the other. "I made you breakfast," he smiled and handed me the orange juice and cereal. I sipped the orange juice and handed the bowl back to Conner. "I'm not hungry," I said apologetically and kissed him on the cheek, "but thank you."

Conner looked a little disappointed that I wasn't going to try and eat but sat the bowl of cereal down on my desk. I sat down on my bed with my glass of orange juice and he sat down next to me. I wanted to smile and enjoy the morning with him, but didn't have the energy to force a fake smile. "Another bad day?"

I shrugged. "I obviously got up at a normal time. I don't know what is wrong this time," I admitted. I gulped down the rest of my orange juice and put my pajama pants back on when Conner left to bring the untouched cereal and empty glass to the kitchen.

I pulled my quilt to my chin and felt warm when Conner came back. "Your mom is awake. She says good morning."

I nod and he sits at the end of the bed. "Are you going to spend the day in your bed or do you want to try and go somewhere?" he asks. I shrug. My voice returns.

You're crippling yourself by staying here. It's only going to get worse of you lay here and let me win.

Nice to see you too, old friend.

I tried to sound sarcastic but probably failed. Conner rested his head against the wall behind my bed. "Throw me my jeans," I commanded. He picked up the jeans I was wearing earlier and gave them to me. "Close your eyes."

He did and I took the pajama pants I was wearing off under the covers and put on my jeans. I stood and threw the quilt over Conner's head. I heard him laughing and sat down against the wall. He pulled the blanket off his head and saw me. I could already tell by his eyes that I wasn't acting the way I usually do. I closed my eyes and Conner didn't move to come sit beside me like I thought he would. I rested my head against the wall and closed my eyes. There was an odd ache in my chest that I hadn't ever had before. I wanted to cry, But Conner was sitting on the other side of the room.

Blocking him out is a bad choice Stella. Your going to hit your downfall by doing that.

My voice warned me. I opened my eyes and stood."Come on. Let's go do that stuff that you wanted to do."

Conner stood and started looking for his shoes.

Good choice, Stell. Maybe your good choices will add up in the future.
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Hello. So this will be the first chapter that will be posted this summer. YAY!!!! And since it is the summer and have no social life at all I can update more often maybe...okay. Hope this chapter wasn't that bad :)

Song for this chapter: Always by Killswitch Engaged (beginning of the chapter)