SCARS

FIFTEEN

~Recap~

I wished I could get rid of her. She was taking my life away.

And that meant losing Conner.

And I didn't want to live without him. I couldn't.

(AN: I'm going to start putting quotes here for my readers. Not to go in the chapter. All of the will be from All the Bright Places by Jennifer Niven which is an amazing book.)

Quote: the thing I realize is, that it's not what you take, it's what you leave
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The  days that came after were okay. They weren't good days but they weren't bad either. Conner pretended not to notice the odd way that I was walking . My mom was quiet for about two days before she went on a drunken rampage. She had gone out to a bar with our neighbor until she was kicked out. Then she came and home and started drinking again. She past out before she could do some damage.

It was a good night. I watched the Rocky Horror Picture Show. I loved Frank N Futter and then I thought about the Perks of Being a Wallflower and about Patrick and about Charlie and about Sam. And that made me wonder what would happen if I could have a good end of the year like they did. I wondered if Conner loved me the way Charlie loved Sam or if he loved me the way that Charlie loved Mary Elizabeth. I got bored around three in the morning and shut off my laptop. I had nothing to do. Maybe Conner was awake. I picked up my phone from beside my bed and texted Conner.

Me: Are you up?

Conner: Robin never sleeps

Me: Again with the superheroes?

Conner: Yes. Why, you may ask. Because if superheroes didn't exist at some point people would lose hope.

Me: Hope is just some idea that someone came up with to get everyone else to believe in something they believed in.

Conner: Did you just come up with or have you believed it for a while?

Me: I have believed that since the day after my father walked out on me and my mom wouldn't stop hitting me. Even when I was bleeding.

Conner: Okay. Then there is no way of changing your mind?

Me: Probably not.

I could practically hear him sighing over the fifteen minutes that it took me to get to his house. I felt around on my night stand until I found my ear buds plugged them into my phone.

Conner texted me back asking if I was going to school tomorrow.

Me: Yeah. I feel better and I think I can go back without any pain.

Conner: Good. Do you want me to come and pick you up?

Me: No. I'll drive myself, just in case I need to leave. You don't need to miss anymore days. You'll lose your position on the team.

Conner: Okay...

Me: Okay...I am going to try and get some sleep if I'm going to go to school tomorrow. Good night, Conner.

Conner: Good night, Stell. I love you.

I stared at my phone. More correctly, the words that made up the last sentence Conner sent me.

Answer him Stella

My voice told me. So...I did.

Me: I... I love you too.

It took Conner a couple minutes like he didn't know I was going to say it back. But when he did answer it was a smiley face. I sent a smiley face back and said good night.

Conner: Night.

I turned my phone off and went to sleep.
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I was awake before my alarm went off the next morning. I was string up at the ceiling, wondering what my life would be like ten years from now. What it would be like if me and Conner were to get married. What our children would look like.

When my alarm started yelling I checked the date. 

April 28th.

You're doing great, Stella. No cuts. Oh wait. Never mind.

My voice was taunting me.

You sound like Regina George from Mean Girls.

She seemed to be quiet for the rest of the morning. I got dressed and drove to school. Conner met me in the front of the school and, trying very hard to hide it, pressed on my stomach and waited for a reaction. I when he pressed on my hip I winced a bit and the smile that he had faltered.

He walked me to each class and sat with me at lunch. No one noticed me or even glanced at me. It was how I liked it. No one but Conner even noticed my existence.

At the end of the day I drove home and Conner didn't follow. My mother was home when I walked in the door and was already stumbling horribly. I tried avoiding her but every time I ducked into a room she wold follow. Around eight I had an excuse to get away from her. I grabbed some clothes and ran into the bathroom.

I turned the water on and had taken the top I was wearing off. I was midway through taking off my tank top when I caught a glimpse of muse!f in the mirror. I saw the red and pink scars that stretched from the top of my jeans to about midway up to my ribs.

I quickly ran out if the view f the mirror.

I'm hiding from myself. What is wrong with me?

Everything.

My voice gladly commented. I stared up at the shower head.

Maybe it will end soon.