I Won't Mind - Ziam (major editing)

Chapter 8

There will be a day when I lose my wings and I can't fly anymore. That is when I let mysef go.

For now, I will keep surviving. I will make myself believe that my life is beautiful though it's ripped at almost every page. To be thankful is my key to stay sane. I will always enjoy the ups and downs though I can't feel the joy anymore in this kind of life.

Even though I'm a piece of shit. Even though I'm useless as a person. Even though I'm nothing but a trash. I believe God brought me to life for a reason. And I wonder what the reason is. Remember, sometimes you got to bleed to know that you're alive and have a soul.

It's not that I don't feel the pain. I just gotta keep it all to myself and forgive every mistake they did. Hoping they will do the same as I do. People say that I am heartless, I've just learned to use my heart less.

I can't close my eyes, this is not what I'm used to.

***

I watched my mates on telly. They seem happy. They seem fit. They seem perfect. But it makes my heart race when they were asked about me leaving the band. Liam was the one who will always speak up and choose the good words into so it won't hurt anybody. Not surprised he is the daddy of the band.

"At first we were a little bit angry, obviously we were surprised. But I think we all knew the general vibe Zayn was feeling," Liam explains.

"Have you felt that for quiet a while?" James asks.

"Yeah, you could sorta tell. From the outside, people could tell." My head starts to spinning, too excited by what will Liam says and I just want to know how they are feeling about me.

He continues, "Like there's certain part of the job Zayn loved, and there's certain parts that he didn't.

If you don't like your job, you gotta follow your heart sometimes and go where you need to go.

There's no arguing to that. Like I said, we were angry at first, but then we were just a bit disappointed.

We wish him the best of luck, wherever he gets up to. There's no hard feelings, we're just gonna carry on as usual."

I sigh heavily, feeling secure from what just Liam explained to public for the first time. I'm happy to having them, grateful even. I know sometimes I may be selfish and reckless, but I'm just a human. And human makes mistake. At least it was what have I been told before.

I grab my phone and start to typing a text message,

To: Liam
It was beautiful all the words you let out. Thank you for the perfect explanation. You put me into a safe place. I'm watching you btw x

I tap send and turn my face back to the television, smiling to myself because seeing my mates happy is the reason for my happiness. They're laughing, joking, and I catch Liam's look. He is smiling fondly at the camera, probably knowing me watching him right now. I smile back, pretending he was really there standing in front of me with his famous sweet smile.

Minutes passed and it turns to hours. I fell asleep in this couch I seated on with television still playing a scene, and woken up by the ring from my phone. I pick the call up lazily, with my eyelids closed. "Zayn," a familiar voice calling, making my heart beating rapidly. I shoot my eyes wide open and straighten my sit position, turning the television off.

"Liam?" I call him back.

"I received your text message, I wanted to reply but I miss you way too much. So here I am, right now phoning you instead. Do you mind?"

I feel the blood rushing in my both cheeks, they are start to heating up. Suddenly I forget about the whole world. In my mind is only about Liam, Liam, Liam.

"Zayn?" he calls once again from not getting an answer from me.

"No, no of course not" I finally answer.

"How are you?"

"Could be better," I manage to say.

"What's the matter?" I can tell there's a worry in his voice.

I open my mouth to answer, but decide to take a deep breath before answering, "I could be better if only you were here with me"

He chuckles lightly, "are you trying to say that you miss me?"

"Yes," I breathe out. "So badly"

"How bad?" He teases.

I bite my lip, not knowing how bad is it. "I don't know, very bad until my chest hurts"

"What are you doing right now? I mean, beside on the phone with me?"

"I'm hugging myself." I mumble to the phone.

He coos, "I bet you're looking tiny like that"

I sigh, "I'm not tiny, Li.."

"You are, at least you're tinier than me" he laughs.

I let out a huf, sure that he heard me when he coos again and say, "I wanna see your face. Bet you're so cute when you get mad."

I'm blushing and let out a small giggle. He knows how to make me feel safe. "I wish I could just have a flight to wherever you are right now, Liam"

"I wish you could. And by the way, the tour is gonna start in days. I wish you were there"

"I would like to, but it would be awkward for showing up in your band tour after I left, you know."

"You were still the part of this band, Zayn. And will always be. We love you just as much as you love us."

A little tears falling to my cheeks, I'm taken by his words. "We will be always open wide for you whenever you want to join the band again" he adds.

I bite my bottom lip, holding myself from crying in a such childish way. I won't let myself to tear down while on the phone with Liam, it will make him worrier than ever and I can't let that happen.

"I know it isn't that easy but we will always accept you to come back, Z"

"T-thank you." I wipe my tears with the back of my hand.

"Don't worry, I will be here for you if you need anyone to talk" he says calming me.

I take a deep breath before releasing it, try to get relax. Sometimes my mood swings are stressful as hell. I often easily dragged by my changing emotions. I'm a bit sensitive over small things. But at the end, I convince myself that maybe I'm just tired. Too tired.

"Tell the boys I miss them?" I finally start again once myself gets relaxed.

"Okay I will," there's a slight silent,

"I love you." Liam decides to speak.

My heart melts, I can feel my lips curled into a small smile. "I love you too."