Ikaw At Ako

Kabanata 15

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Kabanata 15

"Joaquin married you because...that's what his father wanted..."

I looked up to her face. At nagkatinginan kami ng mama ni Joaquin.

She sighed and she looked away for awhile. And then she turned back her eyes on me. "Hindi na ako mas'yadong nakialam...dahil...iyon ang gusto ni Stefano at alam kong susundin lang ni Joaquin ang Papa niya. But I was worried. Even if Joaquin assures me that he will be all right. Ang alam ko ay galing ka naman sa isang maayos na pamilya. So I thought that it's okay... Na hindi naman basta na lang ipapakasal ni Stefano ang anak niya sa kung sino..."

Tumingin si mama sa ibang bagay sa tabi namin. "And when I met you, I saw how you looked at my son... I thought that maybe even if it's just a pragmatic marriage... I can see that you and Joaquin care for each other... So maybe it will still turn out good..."

"Sana maintindihan mo, hija, na kaya ko sinasabi ito ay dahil nag-aalala lang ako sa anak ko... He's my only child. At ang kasiraan niya ay mas lalong ikasisira ng puso ko. Gusto ko lang ang kung ano ang makabubuti para sa anak ko. Joaquin is a good son, he's a good person. And he doesn't deserve..."

"Aayusin ko po ito agad, Mama." I promised her.

Tumingin ako sa mga mata niya. "Nagkamali po ako. Hindi na po dapat ako lumabas kagabi... But I did not do anything bad to Joaquin..." I shook my head. "I swear, Mama, wala po akong ibang lalaki kagaya ng sinasabi sa balitang nabasa ninyo."

We remained looking at each other.

I gulped. And then I continued to speak for myself, too. "At kung ano man po ang narinig ninyo tungkol sa akin noon... I don't think it's fair for you to just believe in what other people say about me... When I'm your daughter-in-law now..."

Bahagyang nanlaki ang mga mata niya habang nakatingin sa akin.

"What I did or what I was...shouldn't affect my marriage with Joaquin now..." I couldn't deny my past reputation... But I also want her to understand that... "That was all before I met your son, Mama..." I hope I make sense...

She eventually nodded her head at me. "We will do something about this issue. Sana ay hindi na ito maulit pa..."

I nodded my head.

Pinagalitan din ako ng parents ko sa nalaman din nilang balita tungkol sa akin na may kasama daw na ibang lalaki sa isang bar, despite being already married to Joaquin Aguirrezabal.

"Ano ba naman 'yan, Angelica? Nakakahiya sa in-laws mo! Ano ang sinabi ng Mama ni Joaquin? Are you still in good terms with your mother-in-law?" My mama looked so stressed after hearing the news.

"Tahimik lang si Susanna, but it's her son! Her only child! Hindi siya papayag na madawit sa ganitong issue ang anak niya."

"Joaquin's mother and I are okay, Mama." I stopped mama. I sighed. "Nakapag-usap na po kami, and I already apologized for my past action..."

"And, well, you should! Nakakahiya talaga ito! Kakausapin pa namin ng Papa mo si Stefano. At paano si Joaquin? Ano ang sinabi ng araw mo? Angelica!"

"Please, calm down, Mama. Everything's okay between me and Joaquin. We're not a bit affected of the issue..." I sighed. "It's not like what's in the malicious news!"

"Just make sure that you are not cheating on your husband, Angelica." banta sa akin ng mama ko.

I sighed and just nodded.

Namatay din naman agad ang issue na iyon. Sigurado akong dahil na rin sa impluwensya ng mga pamilya namin ni Joaquin. My brothers and friends also asked me about it. At isa lang ang sagot ko sa kanilang lahat na hindi nga totoo iyon. How could I cheat on my perfect husband, really? Walang kwenta ang balitang iyon. Basta ang mahalaga ay maayos pa rin ang relasyon namin ni Joaquin. It's all I can care about...

Although I feel like his mama changed since it happened... We did not have bonding like before... She doesn't call me anymore to go out shopping and the likes... And when we visited her home, she was more quiet. I think I just put a stain on her trust for me after that...

I tried to be a better wife to Joaquin since that. Hindi na ako nagrereklamo kung busy man siya sa trabaho niya. I just patiently wait for him in our home, and take care of the house and his dog pet, Bucky. Hindi na rin ako lumalabas para sumama sa mga kaibigan ko. Kahit sa mga kapatid ko ay madalang na lang din akong pumunta sa kanila at umuwi sa bahay.

Although my life can be boring... Based on how I used to live my life before I married Joaquin. I can't go on clubbing anymore. I can't ride my car or bike to do some sports... But I can ride my husband at night, tho. Kidding aside, I still love my life now with Joaquin in it. I have really fallen in love with my husband, haven't I?

And although it wasn't easy, I still tried and did my best. And it's hard to feel like my efforts weren't still enough... Pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko naayos ang dating relasyon ko sa mama ni Joaquin. My parents became suspicious of me like all the time... Para bang nahihirapan na silang magtiwala sa akin. They couldn't believe that I can handle my marriage just fine, na kailangan pa akong paalalahanan palagi kung paano ba dapat maging asawa...

It was exhausting, too...

I'm not perfect. But I've been trying to do my best. Para maging karapatdapat din ako na asawa kay Joaquin... Since I feel like people around us sees me undeserving... And then I started to see myself the same way, too...

Especially when I learned about my condition...

"You have polycystic ovary..." The doctor said when I went to her alone for a checkup.

I used to take pills before because of my irregular period. It's to regulate my period cycle. But I stopped since I got married. Kasi iniisip ko na rin na pwedeng magkaanak na kami ni Joaquin... But maybe this was the reason why I couldn't get pregnant. Despite I've been married to Joaquin for almost a year now...

Nahihirapan pala talaga akong magbuntis dahil sa condition ko.

"But don't worry you can still get pregnant." The doctor gave me a reassuring smile.

I also smiled at my female doctor. "Thank you, doc."

I didn't know if I should tell Joaquin about it. Ayaw ko na mag-alala lang siya... Or I didn't want my husband to know that I was having trouble getting pregnant...and giving him a child.

Pakiramdam ko ay wala na talaga akong silbi. I feel like a failure. My only job is to be a wife to Joaquin. At hindi ko pa magawa nang maayos... At ngayon baka hindi ko pa siya mabigyan ng anak. Why am I really here? What's my purpose...