Ikaw At Ako

Kabanata 17

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Kabanata 17

"Joaquin, hijo!"

Joaquin was greeted by his mother's friends. Lumapit din sa kanila si Joaquin para bumati. He looks close with his mom's friends, too. Siguradong nakakasalamuha niya na rin ang mga ito while growing up.

Maraming mga kaibigan si mama. Nasa sampung mga kaedad na babae ang nandoon at ang mga lalaki naman ay siguro husband ng mga ito. The gentlemen became engrossed in conversations with Joaquin. Maging ang mga babae rin.

Ngumiti na lang ako.

"Shall we eat now?" niyaya na ni mama ang lahat. Ngumiti siya.

"Happy birthday, tita!" Lalaine went beside mama and kissed her cheek. While mama was smiling and she looked happy...

Umawang naman ang labi ko nang makitang naglapag ng isang cake na may magandang decoration sa harap ni mama si Lalaine... I didn't expect that, or I did not think about it. Hindi ko pala naisip na bigyan din sana ng cake si mama... What was I thinking? Siguro kasi inisip ko na lang din na meron na dito. I was being thoughtless.

"Wow! How thoughtful of you, hija!" One of mama's amiga smilingly spoke. And everyone agreed and smiled to Lalaine. They appreciated her effort for mama...

Napatingin ako sa plato ko.

"Thank you, Lalaine." Mama looked at Lalaine kindly as she thanked her for her birthday cake...

Muli lang akong nagbaba ng tingin sa pagkain ko.

"Sayang. I really thought it's you and Joaquin, Lalaine, hija!"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at naabutang unang nakatingin na rin sa akin si Lalaine na bahagyang nanlalaki ang mga mata. "Tita..." tawag niya sa isang kaibigan ni mama na nagsabi noon. She looked uncomfortable as she looked at me.

"Miranda..." Bumaling naman sa akin ang isa pang amiga ni mama. She gave me an apologetic smile. "I'll assume that you already know that Joaquin and Lalaine grew up together? And we witnessed it. So we kind of assumed, you know... Iyon lang ang ibig sabihin ni Miranda, hija." She smiled at me.

Tumango lang ako.

"Nga pala, hija,"

Maagap akong bumaling sa isa pang kaibigan ni mama na tumawag sa atensyon ko. She smiled at me. "You and Joaquin have been married for a year now?"

"More than." sabi naman ng isa pang amiga ni mama. "I was there at their wedding."

Tumango na lang muli ako.

"Oh. Wala pa rin ba?" nakangiti naman nitong tanong sa akin.

Hindi ako agad nakasagot. I already knew what they meant. I opened my mouth but I'm glad that Joaquin saved me from the conversation...

"Don't pressure my wife, tita." Joaquin politely smiled to the woman. Ngumiti na lang din ang amiga ng mama niya sa kaniya. "We're still enjoying married life with just us two for now." He smiled.

Tumango-tango na rin ang iba pang mga guests na kasama namin sa long table.

Sinubukan ko na lang din na ngumiti.

Pagkatapos ay muling nagsalita si Tita Miranda. If I remember her correctly, I knew that she's Joaquin's Mama's cousin, too. She was also there on our wedding. I remember now. "I did not really agree with Stefano making his son do a pragmatic marriage." She said her opinion.

"Miranda," tawag ng mama sa pinsan niya.

Bumaling naman si Tita Miranda kay Mama. "Yes, Susanna, what made you agree with Stefano's choice again?"

Mama sighed. "Kagustuhan din naman iyon ni Joaquin, Miranda."

"Because that's what Stefano wanted." Umiling-iling si Tita Miranda na parang disappoint pa rin siya.

"Mukhang hindi na talaga kayo magkakasundo ni Stefano, Miranda." Another of mama's amiga said.

Tita Miranda almost rolled her eyes. "I can't still forgive him for what he did to Susanna."

"Oh come on, Miranda! It's been ages ago! Naka-moved on na si Susanna. Ikaw na lang yata ang hindi pa." Another woman said and chuckled.

Bahagya na rin tumawa ang iba pang mga nasa mesa kasama na rin ang mga kalalakihan.

And then after that the conversations became lighter...

Joaquin stayed with his titos while I was left with mama and her amigas. Nagsimula na si mama sa pagbubukas ng mga regalo sa kaniya. And my lips parted when I saw the bag Lalaine was giving her as a gift. I remembered the bag. Iyon sana ang gusto ko rin na iregalo ngayon sa kay mama...

"I know you will love it, tita." Lalaine smiled at mama.

Ngumiti rin naman pabalik si mama sa kaniya. "Thank you, hija. You really know my taste." She smiled genuinely to her.

Humigpit naman ang hawak ko sa regalo ko rin. Pagkatapos ay bumaling sa akin ang isang amiga ng mama. "Where's your gift, hija? We're also interested to know what you got for your mother-in-law." She smiled.

Unti-unti ko na rin binigay kay mama ang regalo ko. "Happy birthday, Mama."

"Thank you, hija." Mama accepted my gift. At wala na mas'yadong reaction ang mga kaibigan ni mama sa regalo ko dahil may nauna na rin magbigay sa kaniya ng bag.

I don't know what I was feeling... Nagbaba ako ng tingin ko while everyone was just enjoying the gift giving. I feel like I want to go home now...and just lock myself in the bedroom without anymore talking to anyone.

I think I have never felt this feeling before. I was the outgoing type. I've never felt left out before... I didn't feel included. Right now I feel like I don't belong here.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin to look for Joaquin. Pakiramdam ko ay siya lang ang nag-iisang kasama ko ngayon dito. And others were all unknown to me...

Pero wala si Joaquin. He was outside with the gentlemen. And I can't also just get out of here habang may nangyayari pa. Ayaw kong maging bastos... Kaya nanatili na lang din ako kahit parang halos wala na rin akong naririnig sa paligid ko.

Nang natapos na rin naman si mama sa mga regalo niya ay nag-excuse na rin muna ako ng sarili ko. Tumingin sa akin si mama at tumango lang. Pagkatapos ay umalis na muna ako doon at iniwan sila... At pagkapasok ko sa bathroom na mag-isa na lang ako ay pakiramdam ko parang doon pa lang ako nakahinga.

I don't know when I developed this... I just realized that I was already changing. At first I thought that it was good... And maybe it was. But sometimes I feel like with this changes I was already becoming different... Different to the point that I feel like I didn't know myself anymore... Maybe my past self wasn't all good, but I feel like my present self became too different from my past self to the point that I feel like don't know who I am now anymore. Or what I want. And why am I doing this...