Ikaw At Ako

Kabanata 22

Kabanata 22

And then I started thinking about myself... I started thinking what I wanted to do other than just being a housewife... And I thought that I wanted to do some modeling. I wanted to do something. Matagal na rin na may offer sa aking ganito. Kahit nga pagkatapos kong mag-asawa. Although some nanghihinayang dahil ang aga ko pa raw nag-asawa pero sabi rin naman nila na hindi naman daw iyon magiging issue talaga.

"Nice!"

"Good job!"

"Miss, Angel..." Agad lumapit sa akin ang PA ko nang magkaroon ng break para bigyan ako ng robe. Because I was wearing something revealing for this shoot, too.

Pinuri pa ako ng photographer at staffs. Ngumiti lang ako. The mood was set properly kaya hindi rin ako nahirapan sa pag-pose.

I was having a photo shoot for a magazine. Medyo hectic nga rin ang trabaho ko...

"Miss Angel, can we have the interview now?" Lumapit sa akin ang interviewer at polite na ngumiti.

Tumango naman ako. "Sure." I smiled.

So we also started doing the little interview for the magazine...

Kakasimula ko lang last year pero ang dami na agad offers sa akin at sunudsunod pa. I also travel abroad for my work as a fashion model now. At halos hindi na kami magkita ni Joaquin... He's also busy with work so...

Noong magsabi ako kay Joaquin na parang gusto kong i-pursue ang modeling...pumayag naman siya. He even told me that I can do what I want... At na hindi hadlang ang kasal namin para mapigilan ako. And I was really grateful to him. Ayos lang naman kay Joaquin... Although that's not the case with our family...

"Ano sa tingin mo ang ginagawa mo, Angelica?" My mama confronted me after knowing that I was starting modeling.

"Pumayag naman po si Joaquin, Mama—"

"Huwag mong abusuhin ang asawa mo!"

Umawang ang labi ko pero wala na rin akong nasabi.

She's my mother... I wanted to tell her how I feel, because she's my mom. But I couldn't...

Hindi alam ni mama ang nararamdaman ko... I am not being ungrateful. Of course I am grateful for everything that I have. A stable family... A good husband. And I don't have problem with getting what I need and what I want... Kasi lumaki naman akong may pera kami at hindi ako nahirapan sa buhay... Iyon nga lang mahirap sigurong ipaliwanag ang nararamdaman ko rin... I also wanted to have and to do something that I can be proud of myself...

"Papa..." tawag ko sa papa ko.

But papa only looked away...

Alam kong ang tingin nila sa akin ay isang pasaway na anak... I barely listened to them... And I just do what I wanted... Both my brothers were successful. At ako pa ang babae nilang anak ang tingin nila noon ay hindi maayos ang buhay... Kaya nga maaga nila akong pinakasal, thinking maybe that it's only Joaquin who could save me...

But did I really need saving...? Siguro... Because Joaquin was also able to tame me... But I'm sure that I had fun way back, kahit pa ayaw ng mga magulang ko sa mga gawain ko noon. I enjoyed parties and having fun with my friends... I was just also trying to enjoy my life. I was young and curious...

"Mama—"

"How long will you do this to my son?"

Nanatili ang tingin ko sa mama ni Joaquin. Alam kong galit na naman siya sa akin...o hindi na naman niya nagugustuhan ang ginagawa ko... I understand because she's Joaquin's mom. And she's just worried of her son. Alam kong baka makaapekto nga rin ang ginagawa ko kay Joaquin...sa trabaho niya...o sa mismong relasyon naming dalawa...

"You're taking so much advantage of my son's kindness..."

Hindi na ako sumagot.

"Kung gusto mo pala ito ay sana hindi ka muna nagpakasal sa anak ko. He's already carrying a great responsibility as it is, and he doesn't need a wife who can't support him."

"I am supporting Joaquin, Mama—" Kaya nga palagi ko na lang na iniintindi siya sa pagiging busy niya sa trabaho, hindi ba?

"How? Alam ko ang magiging takbo niyang pinasok mo. How will you be able to support my son if you can't even stay by his side?"

I wanted to tell her that I wasn't really given enough time time by my parents, too... Bigla na lang nila akong pinakasal noon kay Joaquin. Although pumayag din naman ako... But they never really asked me what I wanted, did they?

If only my family also saw me in another light other than just their stubborn daughter... Kung sana ay naisip lang din nila na baka may pangarap din naman ako para sa sarili ko... Na baka may magagawa rin ako sa buhay ko... At hindi na ang naisip lang nila ay ipakasal ako dahil parang iyon na lang ang option ko dahil kung hindi ay masisira ang buhay ko...

I looked at Joaquin's mama. I wanted to talk to her... Pero tinalikuran na niya ako at ayaw na akong makausap pa...

And now that I'm here... Mabilis ang pag-angat ko. Everyone knows Angelica Ossorio, the fashion model now. Gusto ko ba ang sumikat? Siguro... But it's more of I wanted to do something where I know I can be good at and eventually be successful in it. The reason can be because I got depressed from my own feelings when I feel like I couldn't do anything or I can't be anything else while other girls can be as successful as they are... And I knew that it wasn't just envy that I felt... It was more of frustration and pity over myself... Because I felt useless... And I wanted to be something else, too... So I also did my very best to be where I am now and I'm proud of it.

I think, gusto ko lang din na may mapatunayan ako...sa ibang tao...at especially sa sarili ko na pwede ko rin ipagmalaki.

I just did something for myself. So I won't fall pitiful over myself... Mali ba iyon? Kaysa tuluyan at hayaan ko na lang ang sarili ko na malugmok noon... When I knew what I can do about my own feelings...

It's hard when people think, even if they are your family, that they know better with what to do to you than you yourself. Na para bang wala kang sariling pag-iisip... Na para bang wala ka ring gagawing tama para sa sarili mo...

At the end it falls under that they just couldn't trust you. They don't trust you that's why... At kung sususnod ka lang...ay parang wala ka na ring tiwala sa sarili mo...

I tried calling Joaquin's phone when I'm not busy anymore. Kakatapos lang ng trabaho ko at may time na akong makapagpahinga naman. And I just wanted to talk to my husband kahit over the phone lang muna. At kumustahin din siya. How his day went... I miss him. I miss Joaquin. And now that I am here I thought that I wanted to go back to being Joaquin's wife who just stays at home...taking care of our house and our pet, Bucky, and attending to my husband's needs... I am missing those days, too...

Naging abala na rin kasi talaga ako sa trabaho ko. Hindi masagot ni Joaquin ang tawag ko. Siguro ay busy pa at may ginagawa rin. Umuwi na lang ako sa hotel at nagpahinga.