𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍 / 𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀

الترجيع - 𝙥𝙩𝙨𝙙

𝙧𝙚𝙬𝙞𝙣𝙙 — 𝙥𝙩𝙨𝙙
𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘦 𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘨𝘰
𝘺𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘦𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵/𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘦

"why are you airing me?" jamilah demanded as she opened her front door. "you begged me to come over just to leave me alone! like you always do!? you always do this! i feel like an idi-"

once inside, abdul pulled her into a tight hug, needing to feel close to her. she was his only escape from everything and he didn't want to lose her. he wasn't sure how he'd manage without her. "i'm sorry."

jamilah's body simultaneously tensed and relaxed. "what's wrong?" she whispered. "did something happen?"

worrying her was something he hated.

"nah, everything is calm." he took a moment to collect himself before pulling away. he just needed to be with her. abdul held her arms, keeping her in place. "are you ready to go?"

her eyes searched his face for something and it made him uncomfortable. there was no one else that cared for him the way she did. and he hated that for some reason. he hated having to live up to her expectations because he knew it wasn't possible and she'd only be disappointed with him.

of course he had his family, but they expected nothing more from him. it was almost as if he were living a predetermined destiny and they all knew how his story would end.

he'd die by the hands of the streets... just like paris had.

his stomach churned violently as his anxieties started creeping up on him.

abdul couldn't stop thinking about what had happened. how causally he had watched someone lose their life... how he had let them die. how it had been his fault. how he just walked away from it all. he couldn't help but think he should've held his ground when he had said no. but he didn't.

he didn't. and now paris was dead.

and he'd die too, sooner or later.

his blood ran cold as he stood there, reliving that moment. his grip on the girl in front of him weakened and his breath became shallow.

that day played in his head like a slideshow, each frame filled with regret and what should've happened. his body shook as his eyes stared vacantly.

"abdul..." jamilah gripped his shirt in her hand, snapping him out of the memory. concern filled her voice.

"yea?" he stared down at her, trying to be present, though it was difficult. he felt like he had no control over his body, he was simply floating away.

"abdul, what's the matter? you seem out of it." she was frowning deeply.

"yea?" his eyes stung and he found himself blinking back tears. so many thoughts were swarming his head. he knew there was no way he'd survive if he was allowing his emotions to cloud everything else. but he wasn't sure if he could detach himself even further from his feelings without losing himself.

though, now that he thought about it, he wasn't even sure who he really was anymore. one moment he was abdul, a solid student with a good group of friends, and the other he was abra, a drug dealer, a gang member, a violent person with no remorse. these two lives didn't mesh together and he was starting to feel them pulling him apart piece by piece. and he simply couldn't remember which had come first? who did he used to be? who he was now? was there any hope of finding out?

"hey..." the girls eyebrows pinched as she held his face in the palms of her hands. "everything will be okay. it's alright."

"don't leave me." he choked out, tears falling down his face.

abdul was conflicted. how was he meant to continue on with his life? he had played a part in someone's death— he had been directly responsible.

how would jamilah react if she knew? his only reason to be better— surely she would leave. and when she did what was he going to do? how would he end up?

there was no doubt that he'd fall apart without her.

"i won't. you're my best friend." she smiled gently as she rubbed the tears from his cheeks. "i'll always be here for you."

"i mean it. don't leave me. you're all i've got, you know?" with his judgement clouded by emotion abdul crumbled under the weight of the two lives he was living. "it's just you and me. and i'll do anything for you, just say the word."

jamilah nodded frantically. "of course, i promise."

"swear it."

"wallah, abdul, i won't leave."

still his heart didn't stop racing and the tears didn't stop falling. "i love you, jamilah. everything i do is for us, so one day we can get out of here, okay? one day we won't live like this, okay?"

"okay." she wiped his face. "do you want to lay down? i can make you something to eat." she offered.

he shook his head.

sighing, she hugged him again. "i don't know what happened but i'll always be here for you..." she trailed off a second before saying, "i love you too, okay?"

that's all he had ever wanted to hear her say. yet, now, it made him want to vomit.

he didn't deserve her love.