𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍 / 𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀

عشر - 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙪𝙨𝙪𝙖𝙡

𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙚𝙣 — 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙪𝙨𝙪𝙖𝙡

certain times jamilah prayed for a reason, a real reason, to leave kaazim. all of hers felt selfish to an extent. if she seriously broke things off she'd have no way to afford her degree; her dad and grandparents wouldn't be able to move to london like they wanted to; and she didn't want to hear nikole lecture her about what it meant to be a good, god fearing wife... for the millionth time.

she was convinced abdul had been a sign for her to leave— that allah had brought him back into her life for a reason.

at the moment she was staring at the message from him in her notification centre, feeling butterflies. it had been a long time since she'd felt those.

'why you airin man? i miss you yanno. ring me when youre not around that wasteman. we can go out, just me and you.'

jamilah couldn't respond since kaz was right beside her.

it was as if she were in a completely different world from him even though they were in the same room.

even though she had swiped the notification away kaazim still noticed the way her face lit up.

"what're you smilin' at?" he snatched her phone, looking through her feed quickly and then her dm's. "swear, i seen something pop up."

"kaz, stop." she kissed her teeth, reaching for her phone. "you didn't see anything."

"nah, you're takin' a piss."

"how!? i didn't even do anything for you to be going through my phone!"

"so what're you looking like that for?" his eyes scrutinized her face.

"happy?!"

he kept silent.

"you're goin' psycho over something that didn't even happen." jamilah continued to grab at the device, hoping he'd just drop it for now. "you're annoying."

"watch how you speak to me." he threatened.

"no, because i can't even smile, kaazim?! what the fuck are you on?" she asked seriously. she had forgotten that swearing aggravated him. "since when did i have to ask permission to smile? what the fuck?"

he grabbed her arm tightly, dropping her cellphone. "this— dead it. you're actin' big 'til i pattern you. so mind how you speak, you hear me?"

she sucked her teeth, yanking away. "move, kaz. i swear, i don't even do anything and you're onto me."

his lip curled in disgust. "i'm not the one to play with. you're lucky i didn't say shit about you showin' up dressed like some whore."

"wow!" she shook her head. he always found a way to make things her fault. "is that your issue?"

kaz continued on as if she hadn't said anything, "you want man to see your bum and tits? has no one ever taught you how to dress modestly? shits embarrassin', havin' man sayin' they've seen my ting. i can't even be surprised 'cos you're a fuckin' mutt. this is what they allow over where you're from, yeah?"

jamilah stayed quiet, eyes locked onto the blankets. she wasn't wearing anything to illicit that reaction from anyone with normal thought processes— just biker shorts and a fitted t-shirt. but kaazim didn't have normal thought processes, it was like he fully expected her to walk around covered head to toe like they were going to a mosque service.

"suddenly you don't have shit to say?" he scoffed, forcefully jabbing his fingers in her chest. "i should fuckin' smack you up."

"what do you want me to say?" she asked weakly, reverting back to her shell. dealing with him took energy she wasn't willing to waste. "i didn't realise you thought i was some whore for wearing clothes."

that had been the wrong response and she knew it. but she couldn't help but say it.

his palm made contact with her face, creating a sharp sound. it stung and made her eyes prick with tears. she could only blame herself for pushing him to that point. jamilah knew he'd hit her, he warned her even.

any response would've given the same result though. even if she just stayed silent. at the very least she got to stand up for herself, even if it was in a small way.

jamilah forced her tears back and pushed the pain away until she hardly felt it. mentally she was somewhere else entirely, to a place where everything hurt less and the colours were dimmer and sounds indistinct.

it was getting harder to justify why she was putting up with kaazim's behaviour. her family coming to london wasn't even something she wanted. in all honesty, she couldn't care less. it wasn't as of they'd stuck up for her when she was a child. if anything, they'd been the main ones bullying her for things beyond her control.

and nikole, poor, misguided nikole... she meant well, but force feeding jamilah 'real' ghanaian culture and customs really took away from the beauty of it. and jamilah's dream wasn't to marry into a well off family and have several children and be taken care, or to be a perfect wife by allah's impossible standards; that was her nikole's dream.

jamilah just wanted to live in peace and discover her faith for herself. she wanted to pray and know it wasn't out of habit, but because she genuinely believed there to be something bigger than just her. she wanted to live her life and explore and make friends. she wanted to feel safe in her decisions.

while kaazim riled himself up, she sat there, unfazed by his insults and temper.

this was hardly a relationship of convenience. what it took was worth more than it gave.

she wondered how long she could keep this up. if she even wanted to continue. did she care enough about what her family wanted?

'do they care that their desires are at the expense of my well-being?'

these weren't new thoughts. but she couldn't push them away because they were the only thing keeping her from completely bawling her eyes out.

kaazim's voice was just background noise for a conversation she was having with herself yet again.

jamilah knew she needed to make a decision, because being around abdul one day and kaazim another was starting to take a toll.