𝐒𝐓𝐀𝐑𝐌𝐀𝐍 / 𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀 𝐂𝐀𝐃𝐀𝐁𝐑𝐀

ثلاثة عشر - 𝙝𝙪𝙣𝙜𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧

𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙥𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙩𝙝𝙞𝙧𝙩𝙚𝙚𝙣 — 𝙝𝙪𝙣𝙜𝙤𝙫𝙚𝙧

jamilah was laying on the floor when she woke up, a pillow under her chest and the blanket tangled around her ankle. her head hurt badly, only worsening as she sat up. it was like a sharp pain was seared across her forehead and she grimaced, looking for her phone.

it was painful trying to exert any brain power toward remembering whether she had work or not. she was almost certain she didn't. but there was always the possibility that she'd taken on another shift.

"where's my phone?" she leaned over the edge of the bed, shaking abdul's arm weakly.

his face twisted up in irritation as she pulled him from a good dream. "what?"

"my phone."

he rolled over, pulling the blanket under his chin. "in the car," he mumbled, but was only telling her that so she'd leave him alone and go back to sleep.

jamilah got up slowly, temples burning as she grabbed his hoodie from the floor and put it on. "i'll be back."

"where're you goin'?"

"to the car." she squeezed her eyes shut, rubbing her temples.

"darlin', you don't have clothes on," abdul looked at her oddly through his bleary vision, voice straining a bit. "lie down."

her phone had been going off earlier and it was disrupting his sleep. so he had turned it off and put it somewhere, he just didn't know where exactly.

jamilah didn't notice that she was naked aside from his jacket before he mentioned it. she glanced around the room at her scattered clothes. "oh..."

she laid on top of him, complaining about her head. "i'm never going out with you man again."

"you had a good time." he chuckled, voice raspy as he played in her hair. it had tangled and matted slightly but he still thought she looked fine.

the night was blurry but jamilah knew that they had gone to some club. junebug had suggested it and everyone was down. abdul didn't mind as long as jamilah enjoyed herself. she definitely drank too much though.

eventually they found her phone on the floor near the bathroom, apparently abdul had dashed it across the room in his sleep.

jamilah looked over her schedule to see that she didn't have to go in today. she felt relief wash over her body for a moment.

in her notification centre sat dozens of notifications from kaazim. she didn't bother checking them because it would make her head feel even worse. he never needed anything.

"we were meant to go shopping today." abdul told her. "but i feel like shit, innit."

"me too." she pouted, burying her face into the pillow behind him. she thought about how she'd have to go to kaz' in a couple hours so they could spend time with his parents in the evening. "i feel so stupid."

"why?"

"i'm wastin' my time with kaz... i know it. he doesn't even pretend like he cares, he just wants to control me. and it isn't fair." she vented. "i look silly with someone who doesn't have respect for me."

"why are you with him again?" he genuinely couldn't understand why she hadn't left. he offered her money for school, so it had to be more than just that.

"it's so complicated." she said with a sigh. "i'm basically providing for the whole of my dad's family by being with him. kaz' family helps us a lot. nikole and i are supposed to split the responsibility but... it's all on me. if she loses her job, they expect me to figure out how to support everyone."

abdul's brows furrowed. "how's that your responsibility though? your dad should be providin', not havin' his yute doin' it for him."

jamilah wished that were the case. "it's 'cos my bloods 'tainted'. they don't view me as an equal."

he kissed his teeth finding himself upset about the situation. "nah, i don't get that still. how are man blaming you for something you can't help? if anything blame your parents."

she hated thinking like that. it wasn't her parents fault. not her mums at least.

it was the conservative views of her father's family; and if she were being completely honest, it was mostly his fault because he knew they'd never accept a child born out of wedlock, let alone a child that had fulani blood. that side of her family looked down upon fulani people and treated them like dirt. it was clear he also held some amount of animosity toward her because he had never stood up to them when they treated her unfairly.

"big man ting," abdul started and she smiled gently. "stop tryna to help them if they don't deserve it. you think man is sendin' bread to family that don't rate me?"

"no."

"exactly. you're too nice. everyone don't deserve that from you."

"i know. i just feel like things will be worse off if i decide to leave." she looked at him, quickly adding, "i want to, i just don't know how."

"obviously, man would rather you leave him." he said honestly. abdul couldn't pretend as if he was happy about her still being with kaazim, but he could somewhat understand why she was. "but i can't tell you what to do."

suddenly jamilah felt guilty. what she was doing was wrong. she had an entire boyfriend at home, probably losing his mind that she wasn't returning his calls. but she was here with abdul, and she didn't want to leave because he was the opposite of what awaited her at home. he still felt safe, even after all the time they spent apart.

her mind was going in circles trying to make sense of what she was doing. kaazim was a habitual cheater, surely he didn't feel any guilt when he was screwing around with other women. he never apologised for hurting her like that, making her look like a fool for putting up with his behaviour.

so why did she feel like this? why was she afraid that she was doing something terribly wrong? why did she feel like a cheater?

jamilah prayed about it, asking for something clearer than this. all abdul was doing was confusing her; she could have him, only at the cost of her family's financial stability...

or she could have her family brought to london for more opportunities and a better life, but what did that cost?