Vent book ( TW )

Im so sick of myself (Tw little bit of sh at the end)

I hate myself so fucking much. I wish i was dead. It would benefit everyone else as well. I can tell my friends hate me, but they have good reason. I hug them all the time even though i know they dont like it and im annoying because i make fun of them but get really mad when they make fun of me (i keep it internel of course but yk). I copy off them in class but get annoyed when they copy me. Im so toxic and bitchy. I talk shit about all of friends to all of my other friends, even after they have just said how much i matter to them. They must just feel bad that im going crazy, and that they know without them i would be alone as fuck, i woukd be a school loner. I vent to my friends so much and they don't need to hear me griping. I feel so fucking bad when i do something a little to much, like hug to tight for to long and they my friend is like "can you seriously stop." I generally hold back tears. I get it im fucking annoying, but the silence after they actually are serious about me makes me wanna scream. I want to scream that im sorry and i know i don't deserve them and im sorry i latched onto you and im sorry im a nuisance and im sorry im here and im sorry im so bitchy and frustrating to be around. Im sorry im sorry. But i dont do that. I hold back tears until they leave or say something stupid,silly and weird (which usually means that we r all good). When it happens with someone like kai I literally want to die the second they said something like that. They dont much, they are really nice to me and its weird how they can put up with me. But even when they just end a conversation and go on their phone i immediately think "whatever i did im sorry. I didn't mean it. Im sorry. Please come back. Please. Im sorry. Im so so sorry please." Once someone leaves for like 5mins i feel like im in a box on loneliness. I cant handle it anymore. Im sorry i told you about this app kai, because then you would have never had to read my stupid fucking vent book and never have to deal with me and my dramatic shitty self. I should have hidden it so you didn't have to talk to me about it because i know im stupid and complain to much about it to you. Im sorry. Im so sorry kai. And i should have lied to erin so she didn't have to know so she didn't have to deal with all my shit. I hate myself so so so much. Yk i was clean for like a full week and i just realised i need to do it again. Its only fair, i have been so annoying and hurtful to everyone else, i need to hurt myself to make it fair. Goodbye