Vent book ( TW )

It still hurts though

I still miss her. I love her and i care about her so much, she was my bestfriend and i fucking miss that girl. The funny thing is, that when i was her bestfriend i was scared to use the word fucking because i was so young. I miss her more than anything or anyone. I miss knowing there was just us. It wasnt complicated. It was just us. We were just "those two". Just "the two that are always together". Whatever game we played on the playground, if not just us two, we stayed together. Playing hide and seek in a group? Hide together or let eachother be found so we could seek together. Playing it (or tag as you might call it)in a group? Just run away together or not tag eachother and chase people together. Most of the time we just played together. I remember everything we played. We "played" coraline because we loved it so much. We would remake it so we could be sisters and both go into the other world. Sometimes we played a game we called "the hurricane game" where we pretended to be running from a mass hurricane and we got stranded on some island. Sometimes a game where we were in a zombie apocolypse. We did afterschool clubs together aswell, like a newpaper club where we just wrote about whatever. Then as we got older, we just walked around and talked, about anything. Life, people in our class, family stuff just like anything.We had sleepover after sleepover, just being with eachother. Sometimes in a tent in my garden, somtimes in her living room on her sofa. We watched coraline together on halloween. Then covid happend. We cried about it together, we blamed almost everyone and everything for pulling us apart. But it honsetly made our friendship better. We both used our ipads to text and facetime. We played roblox together EVERY. SINGLE. NIGHT. I would come back to my room after dinner and immediantly text her "wanna call?" Which was basically "im ready now" she always replied within at least 2mins with something like "YAYAY YESSSS". Then we called and played together for about and hour and a half. Mostly murder mystery two, where we sometimes teamed up, sometimes didnt and sometimes went into her or my private server to 1v1. She helped me practice my aim, and it was our MISSION to get me to level 100. We never did. I got to it a few weeks ago. Alone. We talked and laughed and ranted on those calls. We sometimes played bloxburg. I couldnt build very well so she logged onto my account for me and built my house for me, but she suprised me by making me cute outfits on it. We even had matching winter ones. And ones we used to rob peoples houses in game. We usally roleplayed, me as child her as my mum but we just kinda did whatever. Something i do remember though, was that on eachothers birthdays we made entire feasts for eachother and decarated our houses for it. We had parties just us two on bloxburg. This contiuned for about 3 years. It became the highlight of my birthday. I still use the outfits she made me. I still use to house she made me. She named it "from mimi :)". It still has that name. We played break in and survied together. Then we went back to school, and were back together. We just walked around and talked at break and lunch, often just sat and talked. We still called every night and played roblox.We always played royale high around halloween. We played it other times but especially halloween. She helped me save up, and we farmed together, and did trick or treating together on it. On christmas day we called and gave eachother "hauls" of what we got. We did our year six play together,both playing roles that were part of a trio (some other girl was with us) and we made props together. We were meant to use chromebooks to do work or something but instead she started watching blackpink music vids and i thought it was so cool, so i went back home and watched a bunch. She got me into kpop, which is half the reason im even still here. Funny thing is shes the other half of why im still here. We talked about blackpink together endlessly and it was so amazing to see all her albums and stuff. Then. It came time to pick secondary schools. She was going to go to a local one that most kids from my school went to. I couldnt decide whether to go to that school or a grammer school nearish me (a grammer school is just one where you have to take a test to get in). See, i dont wanan be rude but because she actually didnt join the school in reception (when everyone started) and i did, i kinda had more friends than her because before she came i was with them. She was friends with them too, but i talked to them more than her and knew them better. Honstly,both of us just assumed if we had each other we would be fine. But anyways, like ALL of my other friends were going to the grammer school. I was torn. I didnt want to leave all of them i mean what if she randomly started hating me? And also my brother was going to that school i dont wanna be known as "his little sister". But i didnt wanna just leave her. I couldnt leave her alone. There were some other factors but they arent as important. Anyways. I chose the grammer school. Well, i did the test, just to see if i could get in and i passed. I knew that going to this school meant leaving her, but i didnt know it meant our friendship fading away. But i did it. I chose the grammer school. I remember her telling me before i chose "i only want you to pick what you want. Dont pick because of me. Pick which school you prefer, ill be ok." But then i remember the look on her face when i told her i chose the grammer school. She looked like she had been hit with a bullet she had known was coming but it still hurt. I think the bullet hit me too, because it fucking hurt. We tried to live out the rest of the year we had together the happiest we could. And we did. We went to our primary prom and did the play and leavers assembly. All together. We spent the whole summer calling, texting and making promises to never forget each other, and to stay "bestfriends forever". But we didnt. And that fucking hurts. It hurts more than anything has hurt. The fact that she isnt my best friend anymore and she wont ever be.