Vent book ( TW )

i hate them. (AND OTHER SHIT)

I hate them. I dont want to though. I have no reason to. They are meant to be my friend,in fact they ARE my friend. They were there for me and they havent done anything. We still act like friends,we still are. I love them. But i dont. Oh god i really dont, i hate them. 

They make my fucking blood boil, they make me hate myself, so i feel worthless and pathetic and they make me hate them so much to the point i just want one of us dead. 

But they also make me laugh. They make me feel safe. They make me happy. They make me feel less lonley. They help me. 

ANYWAYS-

Honestly i just realised that out if my 8 closest friends i only really fully like 3 of them. Sometimes none of them. I think i prefer friends i barely know. Like idk if whoevers reading this remebers but a while back i talked abt my friend Erin (i might have called her rin but same person) who was dating Amelie, well they broke up but thats unimportant, ANYWAYS i did a residential with Amelie in France and Germany and we shared a room (not just us two there were other people aswell) but we talked quite a bit bc we knew each other a bit already and stuff (also there was a HELLA HOT person in the yr above us who we both fangirled abt) and idk i just really like Amelie as like just a chill person to talk to. Also this next bit is could sound as if i like like her well I DONT ok. But anyways shes just genrally nice and like funny and just chill vibes. Like i just like her personality and we went around primark together for like over an hour just like talking abt stuff. It was such a vibe like i LOVE doing stuff like that with people but i almost never do. Also we did like agree in primark we are now friends im not just assuming we are. But like that week was honsetly  the best week of my like no fucking joke. I wasnt with a single good friend and it was amazing. The group i was with i knew most of them except like 1 kinda well-ish and the 1 i didnt know was rlly nice. But like we went to a theme park and went on this flume thing and the photos are so funny and in the room it was so chill bc we were all talking abt tea and drama and stuff. But im so happy whenever i think of that week. 

And like this week (its summer holidays for me btw) im doing this random sowing course thing for 4 days and i really like the girl i met there (shes called Bea). Like why do i prefer other people over my friends?? I just dont like most of my friends kinda tbh.